Top of the day!! So yesterday I published an article written by Chimamanda on this topic and it seems as if I was misunderstood. I have gone back to give a more detailed view of my thoughts on her write up.Please note that Mena is not a feminist oh, heck I dont even know what the concept really mean if I am honest. If I was strictly one, why would I publish blogs that practically bashes women, like this for a start? Nah I am interested in all topics and it just so happens that yesterday (13th Dec) and todays topic happen to be centered on male chauvinism. honest.
Na hin another opportunity to expantiate on the topic presented itself. What happened was that, on facebook, a friend of mine added me to a closed group. I later noticed that it was a group dominated by Nigerians and it was open to any kind of topic, from sexual explicit types to lighthearted jokes. Soon enough the female bashing topics began. "Why do women jazz men" "Why are women gold diggers" and topics of that nature. One particular topic and its responses stood out to me, and I have copied a little bit of it in here (replacing the original names of course)
Author: Topic: She got out of bed at 5am to get breakfast ready and by 7am she rushed out of the house, stopped to drop the kids off at school. She had a very hectic day at work. Stopped to pick the kids at the babysitters at 7pm, rushed home to get dinner started, helping the kids with their homework in between. Dinner's ready & served at 8pm, By the time everything's cleaned, put away and children tucked into bed, it's 10pm about time hubby gets home. She serves him his dinner, and by the time she's done cleaning up, she was ready to drop. She was hoping to retire early, but hubby had other plans in mind. "Darling, please I'm very tired tonight"... "what do u mean u r tired? u must b joking"... The argument went on for a coupla mins and hubby eventually forcefully had his way........
QUESTION:a) Does an individual have a right to refuse sex in a marriage?
b) What do u think of spousal/marital rape?
Author:spousal rape - non-consensual sex in which the perpetrator is the victim's spouse.....
Mary (A): @topic: Yes, one has a right to refuse sex in a marriage, and (B) Yes, there's such thing as a spousal rape, it is a crime punishable by a jail term.
John: @topic: Sex is a mutual thing, if she is tired, appreciate and understand that she is tired, get a rain check, it's better when both parties are active participant.
James: @topic: She better learn to do all that and more, and still shag her husband silly if he asks for it...wetin be the big deal sef..
Matt: @topic: Not nice @ all. If she don taya, she don taya be that. Me i go wait for @ least 1hour make she rest first. If after that, she no wan do............I go BEG am. If d agro really cash me....:). Odawiz na 'sai gobe' be dat. *sai gobe is hausa for 'till tomorrow.....:)* *wink*
Victor: @topic: To be candid, it's bitter but the truth is individual has no right to refuse sex in marriage, if per adventure something like this siuation above arises, i believe there's a way she can present her case to her husband the he will fully understand her.
Lisa @Victor - a way 2 present her case???? What ye ye case???? Even GOD sef give us d free will 2 do as we please.....how much more mortals!!!!!!!1
Victor @Lisa this is a sensitive issues that had destroyed a lots of marriages & i believe we need to learn from each other, i might not be right but according to my believe, individual have no right to refuse sex & i believe any man that forcefully have sex with his wife is not normal, fine we can call it rape simply because we are in Western World but in 3rd World Countries where women has less or little right of their own
Lisa @Victor - u need a reality check o big time....lol
Peter: @topic: Okay firstly if you do not want to have sex you should not. Secondly and this is a personal opinion there really cannot be rape in a marriage especially when you are not seperated. Yes it sounds cold but it is true
Jane : @Peter - if u dey live overseas - why can't u try it on ur wife & let her report it 2 d cops to find out if na rape or not - married or seperated eh??????
Peter @Jane: long shot here says you are single and not exactly young. You wan to live by culture you probably don't even adapt, come on. I do not have to rape anybody and for the life of me never had sex with anyone tha did not want to. You got to get it right getting emotional is never reasonable.
Jane @Peter: - first of all, u need 2 get ur facts right b4 u begin 2 size me up!!! Secondly.....it's so hard 2 believe dat u haven't done such act b4....u sounded so cold & uncompassionate in ur comment above.
Peter: You know what as far as I am concerned marriage is overrated and was invented by a woman. Men don't want to get married you women do so do we make an issue out of it. Be happy living your life the way it is and if a man who is 50 is happy getting it off with an 18 year old what do you care! Please get a fucking life and stop lamenting at the fact that you are in your mid 30s and God maybe early to mid 40s and not married or divorced or a single mother, get on with life!
Jane @Peter: - my point exactly........another unreasonable comment coming 4rm u.......why I'm I not surprised! Thanks 4 proving me right!
Peter: @Jane: believe it or not do not feel the need to prove a point to you or anybody else. You don't open your mind talk less of see reason, yeah I am the bad guy cos rape in marriage does not make sense but bcis it make sense in a couple of western world your own tradition gies down the drain and you wonder why you and I cannot discuss at the same level! Educate yourself open your mind be objective.
Eve: @Peter: What a chauvinistic talk, stop blaming wrong things on culture and tradition, what culture and what tradition makes it right to force sex on someone who doesn't want it? I don't think there is anyone who doesn't want to get married, men or women, just because of circumstances beyond their control that made things happen, a beg go siddon some place if u have nothing tangible to offer this group. I am so shocked that in the 21st century there would be someone with such an archaic talk.
Peter: I guess your 35 usd a year maybe 40 and at best 50 makes you happy and sure makes you feel you know all! You need to get a life opps sorry start with an identity maybe maybe your sorry ass has a chance. I am out of here!
Admin: @Peter: ......pls dont go..................this thread here show n says alot............some men will neva eva respect women...........regardless........a woman had a hectic day..........n cos hubbys dick is up she must ansa............this men...tality is selfish.......most of these comments from some men here says alot.......SELF, SELF CENTERED, CONTROLLING,...........WOMEN DONT MEAN SHITT TO U......IRU WON WOMANIZE ALL THEIR LIVES COS THEY CAN GET WOMEN CHEAPLY..........THEY DEGRADE WOMEN IN ALL WAYS U CAN IMAGINE...............ALL MEN HAVE MOTHERS, ITS ENUFF TO RESPECT WOMEN GENERALLY, BUT HOW CAN U WHEN U DONT TAKE A MIN TO APPRECIATE WOMEN......STAY IN DA LABOR ROOM WITH THEM......ITS REALLY REALLY SAD N YA ALL R EDUCATED...........SUCH MEN KISS ASS OF FOREIGNERS WHO DO IWE IGBELU FOR THEM.............LOL.....O MA SE OOOO.
Adam: @Eve & Jane: yes to your comment about marriage rape in abroad...but in 9ja...no no no rape in marrriage. I don't think the man will ask for sex everyday. Sex is part of marriage life . Man should not rape is wife...it is painful to the woman...... Lets us think before we do things.
Peter: @Adam: I think this is a replica of Nigeria itself, we kinda let the truth go over our head. If ou marry someone and he does or she does not want give you sex regardless of the reason then they don't! Now if they force themselves over you within the confinements of marriage is it right hell no! is it rape I am sorry but going to have to go with Hell no again. Does not make it right and does not make it rape. Rape is a very ugly word people.
Author:@Peter: Rape is ugly, but it's what it is.... spousal rape - non-consensual sex in which the perpetrator is the victim's spouse.....
Ali: Dem no PAY you dowry wey you dey REFUSE sex??...Rubbishhhhhh
Author: @ Ali: what's supposed to mean? so bcos dem no collect dowry she has no right to say no to sex....... we know ur type....
Peter: @Author: Yeah right categories him he has an opinion.
Simbi: @topic: Yes of course they do.... So many marital rape issues has been swept under the carpet especially back home in Nigeria, I know a lot of people that got swollen faces because they refuse sex with their spouse, I seriously wish it will be taken serious like the normal rape thing.... most of these women cannot come to say it publicly that they have been rape. The first response is "no be your husband?"
Jack: @topic: YES U HAVE A RIGHT TO REFUSE SEX IN A MARRIAGE, SPOUSAL RAPE I NO KNOW O. LOL
So folks, this is the kind of thinking Nigerian women are subjected to! This is Nigeria!!! Just imagine that in our society, violent rape of women is condoned. "She asked for it' "No means yes" what sort of society are we breeding that takes such an inhumane view of womanhood??
Just like I said yesterday, the present ugly situation exists because our society gradually (say by the late 18th/19th century) started placing premium on the male child, making him more important than the female child by dictating for males only to inherit properties even going as far as to classify women as properties. Our culture that dictate that men are superior to women, or that husbands are domestic gods in their homes. In addition the notion was that only male children receives a proper education. Even today the family expends more resources on the male child (if any) than the female child. This results in the current position where many women simply cannot support themselves, they rely heavily on the men for their daily survival, since men have by culture grabed all the resources of wealth in our male dominated society. hence the avenue for abuse.
Note: Again, I speak in general terms for the sake of debate, as I acknowledge not every single woman is denied opportunity in the Nigerian society. If anything there has been a shift in thinking in recent times however that shift is merely a drip in the ocean of societal double standards.
I rest my case :D
Marital rape????????....that is ridiculous! From all the comments, i totally agree with John who said sex is mutual & if she is tired, the hubby should take a rain check! And another guy said he would beg if the urge is so much.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I can see in this discussion, the tone of conversation is everything. There is a way to say no without inflaming the situation. Of course the woman is right, she is dog tired. And of course the man is behaving worse than my two year old boy who doesnt want to hear the word no.But between you and me and if that husband were yours and DID NOT UNDERSTAND the fact that you were absolutely tired and could not participate in a session of love making, i would advise a different approach. Don't be surprised that some men are saying what is the problem?she should be able to do all that and still shag me before she sleeps. Some men can not see beyond their own needs and some have been sold a picture of this Nigerian superwoman that can bear all burdens and still shag him silly. That is why I am advocate for wise older women advising younger ones and not necessarily allowing oneself to get inflamed with angry men and self righteous women about the reality of relationships.
ReplyDeleteThis is spoken from a former male basher and current feminist (but my husband does not know :)
@ Nittygritty: The conversation above was from a group made of mainly Nigerian adults and yes in 2010 a few of them were vocally supporting rape!
ReplyDelete@ Momo: (correct! Whats more you are a wife and mum to boot!)
ReplyDelete//That is why I am advocate for wise older women advising younger ones//
I couldnt agree more. Besides what is the crime in alleviating the wives workload by helping her out or hiring people to help out so she can remain energetic for him? Why should rape be an option?
Thanks Momo! *chop knuckle*
hehehe...
ReplyDeleteMy take is that all them 'peter' people that talk like that, they know better...them just dey put up such arguement for talk sake
Nigeria is a very messed up place sha
It's things like this that makes my blood hot!
ReplyDeleteMarital rape exists.It is when one party forces themselves on an unwillingly party.I think people are unwilling to call it rape because it is a husband that you are legally married to. Does it help,if the guy beats her up, tears her clothes and forces himself into her???Will you be willing to consider it rape then?. If a woman can be traumatised by the issue, who are you, an outsider to say it is normal?
You can't force yourself on your wife.She is not your property, if she says she is tired (after, doing all the house work and you are just sitting your butt down not helping) then you have to respect that. This is your wife, someone you are suppose to love and cherish. Some Men really take the piss in Nigeria. If she is using tiredness as an excuse all the time, then you both should sit down and talk about it and perhaps as the guy, you should pitch into the housework so she can be less tired and you can have some mindblowing sex afterwards.
In Nigeria, some Men just think they can demand for heaven and earth.In this age and time, when the woman too has a job and is going through the same bullshit the hubby goes through at the office during the day.Then you get home and sit your butt as if she is not a human being too.
The things we women have gone through.Women, the power is in your hands o.You have to break out of these gender biased norms.It is up to you.
I love this topic/discussion so much i had to reproduce it on my facebook page as a note. Hope you dont mind
ReplyDelete@ Nutty J:I wihs it was for talk sake but the truth is that is what they are practising especially in Nigeria where they can get away it.
ReplyDelete@Ehis: I couldnt have put it better myself! You are right, the power is in our hands and we should choose positive living as opposed to mere existing!
@ Saintarian: Thats ok. thanks