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Wednesday, 20 October 2010

GREETINGS and welcome, revered one :: Much ado about coffee?

GREETINGS and welcome Revered audience ;) Are you seated comfortably?

Now that i have your attention, i like to talk about hot beverages...not pears, but teas, hot chocs and coffees! well my opinion on the personality trait behind some customers preferences.

You see, I love people I, GENUINELY, TOTALLY, LOVE PEOPLE and have the gift of reading them. You can call me a looney, a mentalist or a Psychologist, depending on how sober you are;-)

Anyways, after being around some particular people for about a week (ha ha) I feel i have a grasp on the personalities behind their hot beverages tastes!

Still here? a word of advice, Never Forget that by entering my show you are abandoning your reality.:-)

Here we go:

Tea Lovers: These group are most likely to be men. working men to be precise. There is hardly any chit chat. They tend to stick with Breakfast tea( out of other choices including Camomile,Peppermint,Ginseng,Earl Grey) Overhead one saying "Like,if birds could just shut up and make us a cuppa now and then,the world would be a better place yeah'

Expresso lovers: They are experienced, intense,intelligent,driven and almost manic. They are probably the only group that literally ORDERS for a coffee.No sugar nor milk,thank you. They take a sip and seem to travel to utopia,when they come to, they speak a strange language,like "excellent!" "Brilliant!""The coffee beans must be matured""exquisite! or if they are unhappy with the taste "It doesnt have the wham"not enough zing to it" or my favourite:"when i fought in the first world war,trapped in the middle of enemy lines in the backside of Constantinople,on the border with Timbuktu,i came across some coffee beans that added some zen to my ying yang!" Yes,this group knows their coffee from their toffee and can make you create several cups until they achieve euphoria.

Mocha lovers:Often ordered by tourists,They are often flambouyant,very adventurous people.They always chit chat and ask a lot of questions like "Where is Harrods?""What is Mocha anyway""Is there a Chanel Store near here?"where can i get a helicopter out of here,the road is too jampacked"" lovers: I must admit that these group baffle me. They want coffee but want even more water in it,almost as if they want to kill the coffee taste. They are usually men that look as if their partners dragged them out for some retail therapy. Lady americano lovers almost always ask for white americano. 'Could you tell me when you have enough milk?' .They usually reply "Keep pouring dear,thats it,keep it flowing!"

Hot Chocolate lovers: These group are always warm and friendly. "Hi Gorgeous, Are you alright?" "I hope you get to sit down""What do you do for a living?"" where are you from?""Tell you what,you should runaway to France " Er but madam i dont speak French, "thats irrelevant ,just go"! Hot Choc lovers almost always come back another day just to say Thank You(awww)

Cappuccino lovers: Cap lovers are usually trendy,smart and generally happy people. Some of them are very precise with their order. "Sorry but there is not enough froth in this cap",are sometimes naughty" Can i have two shots of brandy and a stick of cigarettes to go with my Cap" As i look up, from my creative venture ,to make sure i heard right."Gotchya!" They make interesting chit chat. "That lady over there,is my wife, we have been married 9 years 3month and 6 days, and my heart still skips a beat when i look at her" The woman in question is often chasing their four children around the store.Awww

Latte: Ah my lovely Latte lovers. They are often made up of Career driven,people,hardly adventurous and who seem to know what they want."Can i have a Latte with no froth and i mean,no froth" Once during a frothing accident, I apologise profusely, the customer replies"No need to apologise, its your jacket that has a square shaped milk stain on it,not mine" They also can refreshingly rude. Here is your latte madam,I hand the cup to the lady."So where is the cookie?" It doesnt come with cookies maam. "Well it should,how can you sell Latte at this amount and have no cookies to go with it!"
They can be a depressed bunch. Answers to my question of how was your day, can range from "Oh Terrible!" to "my baby sitter cancelled on me"or the recently popular."There are rumours of a major downsizing at my office, 800,000 of us will be getting the sack"
Another thing is, Latte lovers are often in the middle of a fight with their partners when they get to me.

"Er.Hold on one sec please,Honey,i dont have any cash with me, could you cover this one for me"
"What!you expect me to pay again!Why dont you use your credit card" "Well i dont have my wallet here"
"why you miserable little...!" I get paid..eventually.
Latte lovers often make my day. A regular statement often in a snotty loud voice is "Please put the change in the charity box" I cant resist but reply as loudly: "Why, all 2pennies of it?!"


Odd Balls. Lovely group of people. They can be any sex,any age,and some of them, more than often cannot speak the English language. One day,A beautiful lady grunted at me,when it was clear that we both did not speak the same language, she pointed at the Latte sign. I artistically created one for her. She shook her head in disapproval,and proceeded to sign language. Taking her cue, I filled a cup with milk and stuck a tea bag in it. She smiled in approval.

Or the middleaged Asian man who ordered a double expresso. He says"You are very lucky you know, Obama won the ticket" Before i snapped out of my reverie to ask for clarification. He quickly walked away. Well i suppose its either one of two things, i look like Obama from the side or he recognises that i am Obamas future partner-should-he-happen-to-be-single-in-future.(evil snigger)

An oddball after my heart came up to my car to order a camomile tea. She let me know: "I want to do the christmas shopping but my daughters in law say i should not spend any money." .

By now i have mastered the art of random small talk,so i expressed surprise that she had adult children. She beamed and says "three of them,all married".I complemented her on her looks. She beamed even more brightly, "i will be 66 next year". I expressed shock as i froth her milk( i am also good at multitasking ha ha) No way!. She insists and says:

"Really,I am 65 now,I tell the truth.."...then she takes off her false teeth for proof..Bless her!

"Excuse me,my dear, i suppose this is a coffee bar and not a library" I jerk up from my writing and attend to her. "Can we have two lattes please?thanks hold on, dont you think my husband looks distinguished in his jumper?i have had the most difficult time trying to convince him" I look up from my creative trance to fix my gaze upon the rather garish,bright red and green colored jacket that her partner was wearing..."I think he looks very" She gave me a steely gaze, her husband looks everwhere else but at me.. while i continue with my piece de resistance (or however it is bladdy well spelt :P).

Aah i love the customers very very much, but it is a good thing this was a one week undercover/fieldwork social experiment!

Have a nice day & God bless !!



Marilyn said...

Coffee...caw fee...CALF EEEN! ah...thank you.

Oh...loooooooved the post...the cup made out of coffee beans...made me into a blithering idiot for a moment.

Now...I have to say I would have rather looked at a really nice looking young offense to the lady pictured. She is beautiful, but I adore the male body.

NakedSha said...

You are one hilarious individual! Liked this post. But, I'm not sure oh if I agree. Tea especially, but I come from the perspective of an absolute female tea lover! I drink tea and burn incense and I take a glimpse into perfection. Then, the all bubbly, classy, talk-a-lot-but-make-sense woman in me comes out!

Okay, I hype, I hype!

But, maybe men differ!

Mena UkodoisReady said...

@ Marilyn: thanks my sis, I love the smell of authentic beans, nothing beats the S C E N T!

Per model: lool, same here. Then again, I admit I like tasteful poses whether done by male or female models sha. Thing is Good looking men in tasteful, artistic poses are very very hard to find online. I spent almost all day (in between other tasks) to search for images that fit the pic in my mind, Alas nothing good came up..Googleimages keeps taking me to porn/homosexual porn sites! Please help me out with links (if you have

@ Nakedsha: LOL, thanks babes. You suppose understand me by now na! When people start from the top to the bottom, I come in from bottom and stop midway.looool!
Am not a tea fan at all. Infact I approach tea drinking same way I approach my medication!:)
Mena is strictly a cap or mocha or hot choc mixed with a shot of an expresso kinda looney!

// the all bubbly, classy, talk-a-lot-but-make-sense woman in me comes out! //


Anonymous said...

lol.....MENA dear, which group i come fall under nah ehn?...i don't like tea & coffee & never had latte & cupachino ...but would not mind chocolate sha though don't like them much i fall under the oddball huh?

Annie (Lady M) x said...

I love your posts.. they are always brilliant and original! It must have taken you ages to analyse the traits of coffee drinkers you mentalist (yep I had glass of wine!)

Anyway, back to your post - normally I drink both Tea (ok yeh, I am a bit of a Tom Boy) or Cappuccinos. What does that make me?!

Maria Delgado said...

YUM. I want some coffee after reading this post and the pictures just made me NEED it even more! :)

Anonymous said...

Mena where are you oooo?

pls just drop a line to let us know you are ok huh?

take care huh?.......have a lovely weekend.

Mena UkodoisReady said...

@ Nitty gritty: Forgive my tardiness. Been tied up in numerous activities. LOL, you fall under a special category oo!

@ Annie: Aww thank you,especially coming from a celeb writer! you are far far too kind. You fall under a unique category then :P

@ Maria: thank you and welcome! :))

Ginger said...

Bless your heart Mena. I totally enjoyed this. Still giggling! Now I'm gonna be looking at my classmates with a different eye..we have a lot of latte lovers :)