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Wednesday 20 October 2010

GREETINGS and welcome, revered one :: Much ado about coffee?

GREETINGS and welcome Revered audience ;) Are you seated comfortably?

Now that i have your attention, i like to talk about hot beverages...not pears, but teas, hot chocs and coffees! well my opinion on the personality trait behind some customers preferences.

You see, I love people I, GENUINELY, TOTALLY, LOVE PEOPLE and have the gift of reading them. You can call me a looney, a mentalist or a Psychologist, depending on how sober you are;-)

Anyways, after being around some particular people for about a week (ha ha) I feel i have a grasp on the personalities behind their hot beverages tastes!

Still here? a word of advice, Never Forget that by entering my show you are abandoning your reality.:-)

Here we go:

Tea Lovers: These group are most likely to be men. working men to be precise. There is hardly any chit chat. They tend to stick with Breakfast tea( out of other choices including Camomile,Peppermint,Ginseng,Earl Grey) Overhead one saying "Like,if birds could just shut up and make us a cuppa now and then,the world would be a better place yeah'

Expresso lovers: They are experienced, intense,intelligent,driven and almost manic. They are probably the only group that literally ORDERS for a coffee.No sugar nor milk,thank you. They take a sip and seem to travel to utopia,when they come to, they speak a strange language,like "excellent!" "Brilliant!""The coffee beans must be matured""exquisite! or if they are unhappy with the taste "It doesnt have the wham"not enough zing to it" or my favourite:"when i fought in the first world war,trapped in the middle of enemy lines in the backside of Constantinople,on the border with Timbuktu,i came across some coffee beans that added some zen to my ying yang!" Yes,this group knows their coffee from their toffee and can make you create several cups until they achieve euphoria.

Mocha lovers:Often ordered by tourists,They are often flambouyant,very adventurous people.They always chit chat and ask a lot of questions like "Where is Harrods?""What is Mocha anyway""Is there a Chanel Store near here?"where can i get a helicopter out of here,the road is too jampacked"" lovers: I must admit that these group baffle me. They want coffee but want even more water in it,almost as if they want to kill the coffee taste. They are usually men that look as if their partners dragged them out for some retail therapy. Lady americano lovers almost always ask for white americano. 'Could you tell me when you have enough milk?' .They usually reply "Keep pouring dear,thats it,keep it flowing!"

Hot Chocolate lovers: These group are always warm and friendly. "Hi Gorgeous, Are you alright?" "I hope you get to sit down""What do you do for a living?"" where are you from?""Tell you what,you should runaway to France " Er but madam i dont speak French, "thats irrelevant ,just go"! Hot Choc lovers almost always come back another day just to say Thank You(awww)

Cappuccino lovers: Cap lovers are usually trendy,smart and generally happy people. Some of them are very precise with their order. "Sorry but there is not enough froth in this cap",are sometimes naughty" Can i have two shots of brandy and a stick of cigarettes to go with my Cap" As i look up, from my creative venture ,to make sure i heard right."Gotchya!" They make interesting chit chat. "That lady over there,is my wife, we have been married 9 years 3month and 6 days, and my heart still skips a beat when i look at her" The woman in question is often chasing their four children around the store.Awww

Latte: Ah my lovely Latte lovers. They are often made up of Career driven,people,hardly adventurous and who seem to know what they want."Can i have a Latte with no froth and i mean,no froth" Once during a frothing accident, I apologise profusely, the customer replies"No need to apologise, its your jacket that has a square shaped milk stain on it,not mine" They also can refreshingly rude. Here is your latte madam,I hand the cup to the lady."So where is the cookie?" It doesnt come with cookies maam. "Well it should,how can you sell Latte at this amount and have no cookies to go with it!"
They can be a depressed bunch. Answers to my question of how was your day, can range from "Oh Terrible!" to "my baby sitter cancelled on me"or the recently popular."There are rumours of a major downsizing at my office, 800,000 of us will be getting the sack"
Another thing is, Latte lovers are often in the middle of a fight with their partners when they get to me.

"Er.Hold on one sec please,Honey,i dont have any cash with me, could you cover this one for me"
"What!you expect me to pay again!Why dont you use your credit card" "Well i dont have my wallet here"
"why you miserable little...!" I get paid..eventually.
Latte lovers often make my day. A regular statement often in a snotty loud voice is "Please put the change in the charity box" I cant resist but reply as loudly: "Why, all 2pennies of it?!"


Odd Balls. Lovely group of people. They can be any sex,any age,and some of them, more than often cannot speak the English language. One day,A beautiful lady grunted at me,when it was clear that we both did not speak the same language, she pointed at the Latte sign. I artistically created one for her. She shook her head in disapproval,and proceeded to sign language. Taking her cue, I filled a cup with milk and stuck a tea bag in it. She smiled in approval.

Or the middleaged Asian man who ordered a double expresso. He says"You are very lucky you know, Obama won the ticket" Before i snapped out of my reverie to ask for clarification. He quickly walked away. Well i suppose its either one of two things, i look like Obama from the side or he recognises that i am Obamas future partner-should-he-happen-to-be-single-in-future.(evil snigger)

An oddball after my heart came up to my car to order a camomile tea. She let me know: "I want to do the christmas shopping but my daughters in law say i should not spend any money." .

By now i have mastered the art of random small talk,so i expressed surprise that she had adult children. She beamed and says "three of them,all married".I complemented her on her looks. She beamed even more brightly, "i will be 66 next year". I expressed shock as i froth her milk( i am also good at multitasking ha ha) No way!. She insists and says:

"Really,I am 65 now,I tell the truth.."...then she takes off her false teeth for proof..Bless her!

"Excuse me,my dear, i suppose this is a coffee bar and not a library" I jerk up from my writing and attend to her. "Can we have two lattes please?thanks hold on, dont you think my husband looks distinguished in his jumper?i have had the most difficult time trying to convince him" I look up from my creative trance to fix my gaze upon the rather garish,bright red and green colored jacket that her partner was wearing..."I think he looks very" She gave me a steely gaze, her husband looks everwhere else but at me.. while i continue with my piece de resistance (or however it is bladdy well spelt :P).

Aah i love the customers very very much, but it is a good thing this was a one week undercover/fieldwork social experiment!

Have a nice day & God bless !!


Saturday 9 October 2010

Non politically correct stereotypes :-D

Greetings people! welcome! are you h.a.p.p.y today? yes?no? its all good! Now put on your humour hat and lets talk about the "s" word.. er no, the other "s" word,stereotypes!

*names are missing, or have been altered for obvious reasons. mine remain the same though;-)*

Most people are of the opinion that stereotypes are wrong, ignorant, negative..and so on. They probably are right. However methinks it is just a natural way to "be", a necessary part of our evolution.
Take for example ,when Z ,an Australian,asked me if we have ever heard about blu-rays in Africa or when I asked my Chinese friend to tell me what Geishas are all about..Hey its all good!..but... i digress.

you see, what i find mind-blowing is when stereotypes do not work! Enjoy the following scenarios.:-)

Escorted a Polish friend of mine to HMV, on sighting q Beyonce album, He opined "i do not understand whats all the fuss about Beyonce. I mean, she is a great artiste and all, but is way to skinny to be considered as sexy!" Thought to myself alright..

I walked into a restaurant and was waiting to be seated. Could not help but notice three guys ( two of african descendant, one of asian descent) standing in front of me and looking through a magazine.It had an article about ,the then US Senator, Obama . One of them, an African from ###,said, "I dont understand why they say that he is black" the other two shrugged in confusion and they all kept on staring..

I was on the top half of a double decker bus in a metropolitan city, when one of the passengers suddenly went beserk.."What the f##k are you talking about?! Shut the f##k up!You?!, what the f##k are you staring at?!" Not another drunk brother or so i thought, i looked around to see a young man wearing a hooded jacket. In his anger,the hood fell off,lo and behold,he was white, with blond hair and blue eyes..i looked away.

While carrying out some research at the library, a female friend of Ghanian descent stressed on her point of view. "look,he is too "left" for my liking. The man is just trying to please everybody. I have studied his agenda and they are not realistic. do you really think i should support him,just cos he is black?" Yes, thats her opinion of Obama.

Went for a bit of retail therapy in Topshop, when one of the shop assistant blurted out his opinion. "JayZ should stay away from our beloved glastonbury! we dont want his type of music and thats it" He was a *blinged* up black boy

and the grand finale....

In one of the various flats i have resided in, i had a neighbour who was of Jewish and German descent, he was about 5ft 4, slim and a bit of an introvert. I figured he was the shy/self conscious type..until that fateful night. I woke up to loud moans coming from his flat,it was him! i could make out the words.."Back that a##e up..yeah,now wiggle.." Soon enough there came a reply from a feminine sounding voice. "Utterly fantastic! Sorry.. but i think am gonna come now"
Needless to say i could barely sleep with all that screams. The morning after, i take out the trash, and lo, he opens up his door and walks out with a huge grin on his face, then the lady comes out... she was about 5ft 11 inch, a black lady, whose outfit reminded me of Lil Kim! i was gobsmacked!

Thanks for reading through. ;-)

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Saturday 2 October 2010

I JUST WROTE TO SAY I LOVE YOU (Notable love notes..)

Hello :)

I am starting this month on a love note. Its too easy to fall into the abyss of listing tales of woes from the four cornes of the earth not! Today, lets do love not war.

..Here are a few love letters from some popular personalities..enjoy

The Hague 1713

I am a prisoner here in the name of the King;
they can take my life, but not the love that I feel for you.

Yes, my adorable mistress, to-night I shall see you, if I had to put my head on the block to do it.

For heaven's sake, do not speak to me in such disastrous terms as you write; you must live and be cautious; beware of Madame your mother as of your worst enemy.

What do I say?

Beware of everybody; trust no one; keep yourself in readiness, as soon as the moon is visible; I shall leave the hotel incognito, take a carriage or a chaise, we shall drive like the wind to Sheveningen; I shall take paper and ink with me; we shall write our letters.

If you love me, reassure yourself; and call all your strength and presence of mind to your aid; do not let your mother notice anything, try to have your pictures, and be assured that the menace of the greatest tortures will not prevent me to serve you.

No, nothing has the power to part me from you; our love is based upon virtue, and will last as long as our lives.

Adieu, there is nothing that I will not brave for your sake; you deserve much more than that.

Adieu, my dear heart!


*Swoon*..Here is one by Pablo Neruda as contained in his 100 Love Sonnets inspired by his wife, Matilde

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because then the little drops of anguish will all run together, the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me, choking my lost heart...
Before I loved you, love, nothing was my own:
I wavered through the streets, among objects:
nothing mattered or had a name:
the world was made of air, which waited... till your beauty and your poverty filled the autumn plentiful with gifts.

Not to be left out is Abigail Adams. The love letters of John Adams and his wife Abigail are legendary. This couple weathered many long separations..

My Dearest Friend,

...should I draw you the picture of my heart it would be what I hope you would still love though it contained nothing new. The early possession you obtained there, and the absolute power you have obtained over it, leaves not the smallest space unoccupied.

I look back to the early days of our acquaintance and friendship as to the days of love and innocence, and, with an indescribable pleasure, I have seen near a score of years roll over our heads with an affection heightened and improved by time, nor have the dreary years of absence in the smallest degree effaced from my mind the image of the dear untitled man to whom I gave my heart.

Abigail Adams

Next from Juliette Drouet, French actress, to Victor Hugo, French writer, some time in 1835. She wrote passionate and lyrical love letters to Hugo for over 50 years.

Friday 8 p.m.

If only I were a clever woman, I could describe to you my gorgeous bird, how you unite in yourself the beauties of form, plumage, and song!

I would tell you that you are the greatest marvel of all ages, and I should only be speaking the simple truth. But to put all this into suitable words, my superb one, I should require a voice far more harmonious than that which is bestowed upon my species - for I am the humble owl that you mocked at only lately, therefore, it cannot be.

I will not tell you to what degree you are dazzling and to the birds of sweet song who, as you know, are none the less beautiful and appreciative.

I am content to delegate to them the duty of watching, listening and admiring, while to myself I reserve the right of loving; this may be less attractive to the ear, but it is sweeter far to the heart.

I love you, I love you. my Victor; I can not reiterate it too often; I can never express it as much as I feel it.

I recognise you in all the beauty that surrounds me in form, in colour, in perfume, in harmonious sound: all of these mean you to me. You are superior to all. I see and admire - you are all!

You are not only the solar spectrum with the seven luminous colours, but the sun himself, that illumines, warms, and revivifies! This is what you are, and I am the lowly woman that adores you.


Next is from Bernard to Beatrice :)

February 27, 1913.

To ‘Stella’ Beatrice Campbell

I want my rapscallionly fellow vagabond.

I want my dark lady. I want my angel -

I want my tempter.

I want my Freia with her apples.

I want the lighter of my seven lamps of beauty, honour,

laughter, music, love, life and immortality ... I want

my inspiration, my folly, my happiness,

my divinity, my madness, my selfishness,

my final sanity and sanctification,

my transfiguration, my purification,

my light across the sea,

my palm across the desert,

my garden of lovely flowers,

my million nameless joys,

my day’s wage,

my night’s dream,

my darling and

my star...

George Bernard Shaw

source :

Have you ever written a love letter? what did it say? :)