Once upon a time there was a a confused driver, a stingy millonaire, and a social drinker..how they connect is open to interpretation
The tale of the Confused Driver in the Nigerian (Lagos) Highway
Whether you are the owner of the car or just its designated driver, Mena has a few tips for you.;)
1. When in doubt, accelerate!
2. Be prepared to ram anything stopping you wearing uniform in Lagos (police, traffic warden, FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, Lastma, Lamata, Laswa, even Lawma sef).
3. If you get caught by any chance, DO NOT allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in DO NOT drive from that spot (veer off traffic & settle 5hun), and if they don't agree, form calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to ANY sort of office except you want to pay times 10.
4. Never give police or VIO your original particulars (whether expired or up to date)
5. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. NEVER yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.
6. Okada riders have a pact with suicide; avoid them like a plaque
7. Avoid BRT buses in all ramifications, they have NO brakes
8. Taxi cabs (oko asewo) should always have the right of way; all of them have been driving in Lagos for 25yrs.
9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest you may say!
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and shock absorbers (I saw one man fishing in one of the potholes last week).
13. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork, except you want to spend your whole Saturday at the panel beater's place.
14. Morning rush-hours are equivalent to Lagos grand prix (who gets to the junction first)
15. There is no such thing as a short-cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that 'short-cut'.
16. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians ALWAYS claim to know every inch of the city - even areas they've never been to.
17. Use extreme caution when pulling into service lanes. Service lanes are not for breaking down the traffic, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.
18. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.
19. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.
20. Hazard lights (popularly called "double pointer") is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bona fide Lagos driver, he's headed 'straight' and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his "horn".
21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the oncoming traffic whether you look like a zebra.
22. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.
23. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.
24. In Las Gidi every spot is a potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA know that too. It is in their constitution.
25. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire!!!
HORNING IN LAGOS
- 'Horn' when someone executes a dangerous maneuver.
- 'Horn' when you're about to move off.
- 'Horn' when you're about to overtake.
- 'Horn' when someone is about to overtake you.
- 'Horn' when turning into a road.
- 'Horn' when emerging from a road.
- 'Horn' back when someone horns at you. It's considered good
- 'Horn' when you hear a chorus of horns. Don't worry if you don't know
what all the 'horning' is about.
- 'Horn' when you're happy.
- 'Horn' to the beat when you're playing music in your car.
So confused driver, I hope Mena has been able to help you. Happy Valentines Day, as you expeditiously navigate through our Lagos hustle and
The Tale of the Stingy Millionaire (very self explanatory) (Lets face it, a huge number of you will know this person, Mena is not saying anything new :P)
A Nigerian business tycoon was at a social gathering where other
moguls and wealthy men were present.
The businessman looked for all ways to oppress the other rich men who were present at the gathering.
Just for that foolish reason, he sent for his driver and had this
conversation with him:
Driver, go to my house, not the green one, the red one.
Not the red one in Ikoyi, the red one in Victoria Island.
Not the one in Adeola Odeku, the one on Etim Iyang Cresent. Not No.
22, but No. 11.
You will see a black gate, fling it open.
You will see a green Honda Civic.
Perpendicularly, adjacently opposite to the Civic is a blue Toyota
It is not that one.
Trigonometrically, geometrically, hypogenous 90 degrees to the 306 is
a Mazda 929.
It is not that one.
The Madza is very close to a regular Benz, the regular Benz is behind
a 406, the 406 is beside Volvo S40 which is in front of a Honda Accord
blocking a Toyota RAV4 opposite a Honda CRV? that makes a crescent to the Prado Jeep.
On getting to the Prado Jeep, make a diagonal sharp turn to the left
extreme right top corner, on your way to where I parked the M-Class.
Very close to the E-Class in front of the Beast at the back of the
swimming pool is a lovely S. Type Jaguar.
Don't touch the bonnet.
Go to the boot, fling it open.
You will see red, white and blue briefcases.
The red one contains dollars,10 million dollars.
Don't touch it.
The blue contains pounds, 8 million pounds.
Don't touch it.
The white one contains Naira,
500s, 200s,100s,50s, 20s, 10s denominations.
I arranged them in hierarchical order.
500 Naira in first layer,
200 Naira in second,
100 Naira 3rd layer,
50 Naira 4th layer,
20 Naira 5th and
10 Naira top floor.
Take one 10 Naira.
Go and use it to buy pure water, and don't forget to bring my change.
The Tale of the Social Drinker
A lot of you will be tipsy or even drunk by the end of today, well Mena has a few words of 'advice' for you..Enjoy
Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk
Things That Are VERY Difficult To Say When You're Drunk
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE To Say When You're Drunk
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more alcohol for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right, I can't jump over that table!
Have a great Week!