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Friday, 11 March 2011

It's MY BIRTHDAY tomorrow....how would it have been if I wasnt born?



Yes, I said it, sometimes I wish I hadnt been born. God forgive me, but I cant help it. Look I am being honest, open and vulnerable today and I can moan all I want.

Its just that there is so much pressure just being alive in today's world. Take for instance childhood:
'You must come between 1st and 5th'

and the disappointment in the times you dont. Or take for instance being the first child of your parents;

'you must set a good example for your younger ones'.

Ah well, being that when I fall, I fall spectacularly, you can imagine the pressure.
And all these are mentioned, resounded, announced every year on March 12th my birthday so much so I am forced to contemplate what if I was not born?

Anyway I am getting older tomorrow, (March 12) and my sister is forcing us to celebrate here , come and join us from 11pm if you want. I can already imagine the prayers, calls, texts, emails and facebook comments. I know its going to be about why I REFUSED to get married, as if dem dey refuse? Enjoy this old note and hopefully you will understand what I mean.



GREETINGS Revered audience. Welcome to the ramblings of an overactive mind!

There are several actions that are universally accepted to be 'abominations'. If we say it is the act of paedophilia for the western world, Eating a cow in some parts of india, blood brother marrying blood sister for some parts of Africa and being a single lady of a 'certain' age in Nigeria. Yes if you are single and matured, you are regarded as wrong, ..then..if you are single, matured and an extrovert, heck you are the devils wife! You just must marry regardless of what you feel about it! perhaps this is the result of some evolutionary thinking..death and misery for anyone who doesn't seem to match up to a certain culture's expectations..Welcome to my rant.

My relationship with chieftess is bittersweet. Chieftess is probably my best example of an entreprenuer, always ready to take risks, extremely confident, can do attitude, a go getter, a leader really. In as much as people that take the extra risk get the huge profit that may come with it..there is the little matter of a loss! Take for example this day when her mobile phone buzzed in with a text that she won a million bucks. She barged into my room and told me to go to their website. From the middle of my snooze I utter it is 419, she snaps that it isnt and asked me to hurry up, so hurry up I did. Went to the website, eneterd her name, address, phone number, account number and so on, pressed enter, stupid website asked for her details again, this time asking for an atm number and pin. I gave her the I told you so look, while she, naturally puts all the blame on me, stating, "you know I dont know anything about lottery and fraud". OH SO I KNOW ABI?? I scream, er, in my mind of course.Hope you get the picture now, she is the most loving, generous to a fault and my constant lifecoach/motivator..sadly..she could be the opposite as well.! Hold on one second and allow me to explain.

Imagine this scenario: Chieftess and I went to the cornershop to get a travel card for our journey, when..out of the blues, she tells the shop assistant that I REFUSE to get married. Needless to say I have been the butt of the lady's jokes.
think am over reacting? think again..

  • When I used to work in Lagos, I lived with my chief and chieftess and this was how our relationship went. I get up by 5am, just to beat the traffic to work, chieftess steps into my room or the shower and asks when will you get married? I come back from work, hassled due to the stress of the day, looking forward tio a relaxing evening, who is by the garage? Chieftess packed with her question. You really should get married. Then chief sends me out on one of his millions of errands, chieftess joins me in the car, I drive she talks.. and talks, the whole premise of the talk, is my refusal to get married!


  • Do I reply? not really, with chieftess am not as talkative or creative as I normally am. I am melancholic, almost mute, definitely passive..passive aggressive i mean.

  • Then you can imagine my consternation, when chieftesses female relations come around, I am not sure how this happens but it seems that in their eyes, I am a blind, mute toddler!
    'Ehn Mena, see how big you have grown, oya turn around'... just to keep the peace, I wear a pained smile and turn around..
    'Ha, see your *kebe, am sure you have male admirers..'
    'Pscheiuw', the very familiar refrain from chieftess is spoken.. 'Mena refused to marry ooo, speak to her for me ooo.'
    "Efe why now?
    "why are you being selective"
    I hope you note that they have not given me a second to reply..
    "Time waits for no one o, especially for ladies, all my daughters are in their husband house" etc etc and so on!


  • Sometimes my anger get the best of me and I snap back.
  • There was this week chieftess really got under my skin. She had got a new job, basically to inspect my outfit and make up, just before I leave the house, regardless of where I am going, then inspect it when I come back in, in her explanation 'you never know o, that is how you will meet 'the one' looking like a masquerade'
    Cheiftess, dont you think the one is the one, regardless of beauty??
    I of course say this in my head...


  • Like I was saying, she did that consistently, but added a new twist to it.

  • One fateful day, I had awful cramps so was not in a good mood. Chieftess came in from one of her social gatherings, all breathless..
    ' I spoke to Madame OTT today'.
    'Thats nice how is she?' my faint attempt at polite conversation.
    'Ah she said you needed deliverance!'
    *cue in uncomfortable silence*
    "Did you hear me, she said she knows of this place that they performed reliable deliverance activities so we will be going there"


  • My

    blood

    boiled

    !!

    boiling blood: "Did you say deliverance?"

    Chieftess: "Yes oh, Mrs X, Y and Z even advised me to do it".

    I imagined the scenario... Yes it was a detailed scenario..., all in my head, but close to the truth..

    At her fellowship meeting the following conversation 'might' have taken place.

    " Madame ott, Mena refused to marry"
    "How old is she?" ..
    and when she hears my age, she reacts dramatically, shaking her head. This must have been her reply.."ehen, its the spirit of delayed marriage, some girls are married to spiritual husbands"

    trust chieftess to swallow it, hook, line and sinker.

    "Chineke meh, really? Olorun ooo, what can I do? chei what can she do? haaaaa!"

    At this point Madame OTT summons Madame X,Y,Z. " come and hear oo, I cant solve this alone".
    "Really, what happened, is chieftess fine?" They all chime in..
    "She is fine, its Mena, Mena has a spiritual husband thats why she is anti marriage"
    "Anti marriage ke? okkk, that should be because someone is impersonating her, borrowing her face so men cant see her properly with their spiritual eyes". Mrs Y explains
    "Ezeokwu!! Ha, borrowed her face?" says chieftess, getting hysterical now
    "Yes" all the self proclaimed prophetesses agree. "She needs deliverance."


    In my head, that was how it came about. I was seeing red so I just had to snap:
    " Tell Madame ott that I think she also needs deliverance as she has refused to have a successful marriage!"
    (Mrs OTT: Her best friend adviced her about the philandering manner of her husband, Alhaji OTT...The advice was so good, that this so called friend collected her husband and married him..as in traditional, registry and white. i.e he abandoned Mrs ott and her 10 kids!)
    "I am sure you spoke to Mrs xyz? Tell them that they need deliverance as well. Their family is not perfect either". I continued, blood blowing, eyes flashing..
    (Mrs X's had three married daughters, married for gazillion years, no children from any of them yet)
    (All Mrs Y's children were borderline druggies.)
    (As for Mrs Z; One of her sons Mr Z has been married 3 times, and 3 times the ladies took off. While her daughter Miss Z was abandoned on her wedding day, bros just did not show up!! Note am not judging them, how can I? But isnt it ironic that the same people who gossip about you then claim to advise you, are usually quite miserable themselves? People in glass houses should not throw stones. gbam!
    )

    "Why are you speaking like this" asked a curious chieftess
    "Because they dont know me or what I have been through, why should they immediately think the worst of me? Chieftess, by highlighting what naija people will term as their 'faults', I am trying to make you understand that life is not as perfect for everyone. They are so happy gossiping and then 'advising you' about me, that they have not taken the time to focus on their own issues, i.e mind their own business. Yes you got married early and to a responsible person but it doesnt always work like that. And if we keep treating people as if there is something evil about them just because they dont meet our personal expectations, not only do we destroy their self esteem, we set ourselves up to be exploited by cunning people who bring in all sorts of 'solutions'"

    'Are you saying you wont come? Dont worry i will go on your behalf'. Concluded chieftess, she obviously did not take in a word I said.

    Chieftess set off to the deliverance centre, she had barely walked in, when pastor shylock took one look at her and put her on dry fasting. Yep she came back to tell me.

    "hmm, see people praying, some even moved into the compund, others were crying " He just put me on fasting without asking why I came".

    Unable to resist rolling my eyes, "how can he do that, he didnt even ask after your health.."
    Chieftess cuts in with.. "He immediately took offerings"

    My sarcasm knew no bounds, 'Oh so now you are paying for your deliverance? even though the reason for the deliverance and the type of deliverance has not been expressed?? " Remember when you were 419ed at Balogun Market?

    BALOGUN MARKET


    It was yuletide season and chieftess went to the market to get some items. Soon enough, some prophet came and spoke to her. 'Madam, something serious is going to happen to one of your relations.
    'Really? Who are you and what do you mean'
    "My name is shepherd shogologobanboje and I am just telling you in advance..its a girl.. Well her friends are planning on doing something very bad to her".
    By now governess is very interested
    Chieftess:"What? Is this true?"
    Shogologo:"Yes I have seen it"
    Chieftess: "What can I do"
    Shogologo: "I will tell you, if you have x amt, I will apply this cream on it, and that evil action will backfire..".

    When Chieftess eventually told me about the incident
    I
    was
    livid
    !!

    Then I reminded her of the Amuwo incident...

    AMUWO ODOFIN



    Chieftess was an executive in a ladies social association. Naturally when a member starts something, and speaks positively about it,almost everyone will do the same. So it was that Chairlady Q, said she has seen a prayer warrior in amuwo area, and that the woman is powerful. Chieftess swallowed the story, hook line and sinker and soon enough convinced all of us to go to the woman for her services.
    IF IT WAS JUST PRAYERS I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN AS SKEPTICAL AS I WAS!!
    The lady wore an all white outfit, her flat had a rancid smell and she could hardly move/breathe (she was borderline obese) Soon enough the prayers began. In the middle of the prayers she came to each one of us to tell us our spiritual issues. I will only speak of my own experience. The lady came to me and prayed for me, I was on my knees, she was standing and began to 'lay hands' on my head, then she applied pressure on her hands, I remained kneeling, she applied even more pressure, my neck ached, but i remain on my knees! She finished the prayers for each of us and asked us to take a seat. She told us all our problems. OBVIOUSLY EVERY BODY JUST HAD TO HAVE A SPIRITUAL PROBLEM! Like I said earlier, i will stick to my own 'spiro issues!'. She said I has a huge black snake feeding from my back, she said in other to get rid of the snake, I had to perform a white fasting. Apparently white fasting means 6 to 6 and break with white foods like rice, bread etc. oh and she said we had to drop x amount of money so she can do her part in breaking all the issues that she saw.
    THAT
    WAS
    WHEN
    MY
    SCEPTISM
    BECAME
    FULL BLOWN
    !!

    Anyways back to my 'deliverance' story. Chieftess soon came round to my way of thinking. *But that was for a short time, I will continue in part 2 of the note*
    Remember when I wrote about Chief and our health scare? Well my best friend since my MBA, I will call her chinese, said she was going to buy some things to cheer chief up and to apologise for not being with me. So I thought I should let chief know about it

    Me: Chief, chinese wants to get some gifts for you, she said...
    Chief *cuts in*: Chinese? congrats! I dont mind a chinese man for an inlaw..

    My reply came in absolute sarcasm
    ' Its not yet legal for a woman to marry a lady in Britain nor in Nigeria, (same sex marriage) but dont fret, when it becomes legal I will marry her!!

    Happy belated Birthday from me, to my dearest sister (March 10)

    Thanks for reading
    Mena






    15 comments:

    Prism of an immigrant said...

    Happy birthday in advance :-).I hope you have a wonderful one. Ignore the marriage comments, it's part of our culture and it's not about to change any time soon :-(

    kitkat said...

    happy birthday in advance dear! hope u hv a good one!

    Chizy K said...

    wow ur my brothers birthday mate,
    happy birthday in advance

    http://chizys-spyware.blogspot.com

    Wild Boy said...

    Happy birthday Mena. Have a blast!

    Kingsley Okuasogie said...

    May your dreams be transformed to reality as you mark your birthday,wishing you what you wish yourself,Happy Birthday.

    Mena UkodoisReady said...

    @ Prism: thank you very much

    @Kitkat: Thank you, I will try

    @ Chizy: Your brother must be special. ;) thank you

    @ Wildboy: thanks dear

    @Kingsley: yhanks for your kind words

    God bless each and everyone of you

    xxx

    OK said...

    happy birthday. wish u happiness.

    Ibhade said...

    Happy birthday mena.

    ha! chieftess loves you! All mothers are the same o! If i begin yarn wetin mumsie talk sef before i married at 27, kai! you go laugh so tire as i laugh over some stories here, though you are very serious huh?

    It's well, many more years of prosperity, long life & health. amen.

    Olori said...

    Happy Birthday! Truly a lot of birthdays this month. Wishing you the bestest birthday! Quite an interesting cake and our rice and chicken should please be reserved.

    http://olori-beautiful.blogspot.com/

    ibiluv said...

    cakeeeeeeeeeee

    i wantttttttttttttttt

    Nutty J. said...

    awww...padi me...Happy Birthday

    Dont mind me for missing it...no excuse is good enough

    Hope you had a good one... many happy returns of the day.

    Lots of Love

    Northern Girl said...

    Happy Birthday!!
    Lols, sorry about Chieftess... but you have a really good attitude towards it :)

    Ginger said...

    Awww Chieftess sounds like such a sweetheart. I wouldnt want her on my case everyday shaa but the concern is touching. So has she been match-making too??

    Ginger said...

    In that long convoluted post :) I forgot the reason for the post - your birthday. Hope you had a swell day. if you weren't born, blogville would be less colorful and informed. good enough? :)

    Mena UkodoisReady said...

    ibiluv: Oya gimmie your number, lemme fax some to you sharp sharp ;)

    ok:, I appreciate this. thanxx

    ibhade: Aww thanks oh. As far as I am concerned you married early oh an to a responsible loving man to boot. God bless :)

    olori, : thanxx, will post yours to you

    Nutty j: My pelzon thank you, its your prayers that count.

    ginger: sincere thanks for all your comments. I wish she match maked me, at least she will have legal reasons to back her points, abi na! thanks my dear.