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Friday, 27 May 2011

'How to Maintain Stellar Relations with Your Black Friends' by Donald Trump foreword by John Mayer author of "My d**k is like a white supremacist"

Hi there!

Nah this is not about Trump and Mayor per se! I came across a game in a facebook group and found it hilarious and so decided to share in here. The pictures in this particular blog were sourced from my 'otakara'(lol) camera. I bought it last year and feel the photos come out wierd? Tell me what you think about the pictures? thanks

Back to the game! Basically imagine all the popular celeb gaffe and try and construct an ironic book title to represent them. I'll start:

"Two Kids are Ideal- Our success story" Kate Gosselin aka kate +8 and Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman aka octomum

"How to win muslim friends" : Terry Jones also author of 'Burn a Koran'

"Anne Nicole Smith was nothing but a gold digger":- Elizabeth Hurley, Katherine LaNasa popularly knows as 'Mrs Dennis Hopper' and Oksana Grigorieva

"How to Be Accepted by the Royal Family" - Sarah Ferguson, with the forward by Camilla Parker Bowles

"I heart Burkas" :- written by Rihanna, Kim Kardashian foreword by Lady Gaga

"Keeping it in the closet"=Perez Hilton and Rupaul

"I love my mum":-Eminem

"Generators? A Waste of Money" by PHCN

"I AM NOT BALDING!"-Donald Trump

"How I survived 30 years on nothing but lettuce": Mo-nique, Roseann, Rosie Odonell

"How to Marry Your Agemate by Hugh Hefner"

"Divorce is Not About the Money" by Maria Shriver and Mrs Tiger Woods

"How to Maintain Stellar Relations with All of Your Black Friends" by Donald Trump foreword by John Mayer author of the book "my d**k is like a white supremacist"

"Say It Loud, Am Black and Proud" by Micheal Jackson

"Heal the World" jointly written by George Bush and Osama Bin Laden, Current U.N Ambassadors for Global Peace

"Idiot guide to monogamy":-jointly written by Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson, Madonna and a foreword by Bill Clinton best selling author of 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman'

"Always Wear a Great Big Smile Upon Your face":- Victoria Beckham

"How to mind your own business":- Wendy Williams

"Crack is whack" by Whitney Houston

"Staying out of trouble" - Lindsay Lohan

"How to win friends" :- Bruno, Alan G, and whatever moniker he goes

"How To keep a low profile and go under the radar": Jordan, Kanye West, Pamela Anderson, Lady Gaga, Buffy the body, Katy Perry

Know of anymore? ;-)

Then to add the special Nigerian twist, do the same with Nigerians celebs, only use perfume titles this time.

"Extinct" by Nitel a delicate and elusive scent

"Confused" by Zain a hint of uncertainty and a dash of chaos

"Almost Contended" by MTN nearly confident scent

"Black Out" by PHCN a sure knock out

"Fight 2 finish by Otedola hint of stupidity and over confidence...

"Ready 4 Fight" by Aliko Dangote seemingly sure but could be wrong

"Consolidated" by Sanusi Lamido brash and outdoor rugged not for the faint hearted

"Former Artful Dodger" by James Ibori Fomer Elusive scent now captured!!

"Evil Genius" by Babangida Perceptive narcissistic scent a must kill!!

"Demolition" by Nasiru El-Rufai bold no holds barred

"Deception" by Farida Waziri a some what dull scent putting on airs of aggrandisement

Know of any more?

bye from me


Thursday, 26 May 2011

What REALLY happened when I allegedly met up with the horndog blogger...

SO Tantricnotes fired the first shot over here, well in In the interest of full public disclosure, this is really what happened. He gatecrashed into my house! my home!!!

Mena: You Idiot, did i ask you to come to my house!
TNotes: (Tried to enter apartment) Why are you dressed up - i thought you said you were not interested in mo*vida.
Mn: (Restricted my movement) Well, I was, until I had a proper date.
TN: (Pushed her hand aside, stepped in and shut patio door) So you ditched me for all these innit boys.
Mn: He’s not a broke ass M.Sc student like you.
TN: Abeg jare, I have prospects! You know the guy is boring as hell, let’s smoke him out and hit town.
Mn: (Hushed tone) Keep your voice down now. We’ll hook up some other time.
TN: Lai lai. I’m gate crashing. If we had done mo*vida as planed, we’d be out till 4a.m. Now however, i’m homeless till trains start service in the morning.
Mn: (She was getting impatient) T.N, you have other friends in London jor!
TN:Please Ihave no where else to go.

Looking at his sad face my maternal instincts kick in and I let him in. He sees that is was just nuttyjay inside the house..

NuttyJay: Ah ah Mena which one are you hanging out with chewing gum boys? You are not Demi Moore,neither is he Ashton Kutcher
Mena quickly butts in: No be so, he has no where else to go.
Nutty: So you look like a B&B or police station? Mena I don dey taya for your slacking,and your 'humanitarian services' I am going without you!
Mena: No vex my luv

Nutty slams the door in my face.


But those are his thoughts, what he actually say is

Tnotes: Mena,you have no idea what a day I have had. I need a hug

I innocently give him a hug and then..

Mena: Tnotes you are hugging me too tightly, I cant breathe!

Tnotes: Mmmm, Mena, This feels good, could stay here forever I want to show you someone that is just as eager to meet you....

indeed, he decides to show me. He unzips his trousers, whips his thingy out and shoves it in my hand.

Mena: 'Thanks, but I don't smoke.'


*blows speck of my halo*

(Bring it on sexy Tnotes ->

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Thoughts on the current Online battle between freedom of speech and Superinjunctions


This is a long post and more or less a raw collection of my thoughts on the injunction debacle using sources from a few online journals.

Please dont read any further if you find the topic boring.:)

Soone of the top stories making the rounds in most of UK media is the issue of celebrities taking out superinjunctions to protect their private lives.To be specific to hide their affairs..allegedly of course! :)

According to compactlaw online, Injunctions are court orders that requires a party to do, or to refrain from doing, certain acts. Quite simply the idea behind an injunction is to to protect the privacy of other parties. For instance an injunction can be taken out against noisy neighbours, or can prevent someone from removing a child from a country or even to prevent someone from getting rid of their assets.

Obviously for anyone to resort to this remedy, an existing relationship has been damaged to such an extent that one party is harassing, threatening or assaulting the other. One of such popular injuction is a restraining order.

An injunction might also prevent somebody publishing something about you which you do not like.

Now a superinjunction on the other hand is on another scale. A Contra Mundum super-injunction is an order that 'ideally should be' enforceable worldwide and in perpetuity.

Imagine the examples above but on the world stage the world wide web..I.E No one in the world is allowed to publish stories that reflects negatively upon these celebs.

That is exactly what some celebs tried to do..allegedly of course

A superinjunction not only prevents media sources from revealing the name of an individual named, but it even prevents those sources from mentioning that an injunction exists. In practice judges issuing such an injunction distribute notices to newspapers, TV news companies, websites and so on to ensure they comply.

Superinjunctions are expensive, certainly for the use and protection of the very wealthy.
Several questions arises from this order, hat about the right of the other party to speak about the previous relationship? What if the celebs use these orders to protect an illegal act? Last but not least,how will the legal system enforce or police such an order in a world wide scale?

As it is the social media in general and Twitter in particular, have been carrying details of some of the celebrities involved in their tweets and blogs.

The following is an excerpt from the super injunction blogspot who culled it from a twitterer called Billy Jones.

"Two stars of the TV show Shameless, David Threlfall and Pauline McLynn (Libby Croker) had an affair. Both are married.

British actor Hugh Bonneville paid £195 for the services of prostitute Helen Wood. Wood used a sex toy on Bonneville.

Gordon Ramsay sexually harassed a female employee and sacked a male chief executive for no reason, he is still owed wages.British comedian/actor David Schneider is into BDSM and visits spanking establishments to engage in the whipping of women.

Footballer Ryan Giggs had an extramarital affair with Big Brother star Imogen Thomas which lasted for 7 months. "

The Spanish press first revealed the identity of Giggs but on the 23rd May LibDem MP John Hemming also revealed his name.

Full legal judgement originally made by Mr Justice Eady after hearings on the 14 & 20 April 2011 can be found here

A distinguished family man, Channel 4 online describes Ryan Giggs, as the most succesful footballer in UK history who has won every single trophy in club football.

The other celebrities named above, are also very successful in their respective careers.

It is interesting to note how public personalities are attributed certain expectations. The argument is that a person who earns a living from 'selling' a certain public image and reputation is expected to uphold that image at all times..the day such a person is found wanting, he is villified by the same public and this might affect his 'brand' and in the long run his earnings..Tiger Woods, Arnold Scharzenneger, IMF Khan,are high profile people whose careers are affected by their indiscretions yet they cannot resist but cheat..Its not so much the cheating but the peddling of a wholesome image and gaining substantially from it.

Hugh Salmon in his blog raises another question:

the extraordinary impact of Twitter, Facebook and
the internet generally.

We also know about the huge financial valuations that are currently being placed on
these and other ‘new media’ companies. We are experiencing another dotcom boom.

These valuations are based on the value of these potential audiences in terms of
marketing and advertising cash.

One issue of concern is the anonymity, inanity - and, now, legality - of many of the
comments made on the internet. They are certainly a consideration to advertisers
backing the sites that ‘distribute’ or ‘broadcast’ them (deliberate ‘old media’ terms).

So when a Contra Mundum order is issued in London, it raises a debate and a set of
questions that our industry has a vested interest in answering:
- to what extent, in the real world, is this Contra Mundum enforceable?

- why is it easier to defame someone online rather than offline?

- what about all these ‘comments’ that are made behind a veil of anonymity?

- are these anonymous commentators above the law?

- if so, why?

- if not, to what extent are they controllable?

- what are we doing to police them?

- what are the owners of websites and blogging forums doing to monitor them?

- is there a code of practice?

- should advertisers support websites that do not abide by a code of practice?

- who is making the rules?

The Guardian online reports that Twitter users and the courts go to war over injunction Very interesting article there!

Too many interesting perspectives! Will update as the debate continues...


Friday, 20 May 2011

Much Ado about an Orgasm


So according to, an orgasm is 'the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual tension resulting in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region that produce intensely pleasurable sensations followed by rapid relaxatio'

It is obviously experienced by males and some females(not all)they are often associated with other involuntary actions, including muscular spasms in multiple areas of the body, a general euphoric sensation and, frequently, body movements and vocalizations are expressed. In males, orgasm generally leads to ejaculation.

Obviously a physiologic response to sexual stimulation, orgasms usually result from the stimulation of the penis in males and the clitoris in females. Modern findings by Schwartz(1992) support distinction between ejaculation and male orgasm in men and a distinction between clitoral orgasms from orgasms caused by G-Spot stimulation alone in women. Findings also supports female ejaculation,also known as 'squirting' in women.

Such stimulation can be by self-practice (masturbation) or by a partner (penetrative sexual intercourse, non-penetrative sex; also known as outercourse, and other erotic sexual activities). In addition, partners simultaneously stimulating each other's sex organs by mutual masturbation, penetrative intercourse, or other rhythmic inter-genital contact may experience simultaneous

The words I want to draw out are euphoric sensation and intense pleasure and the power they carry. Such is their weight that men like Tiger Woods have suffered for continually seeking it beyond agreed boundaries. Arnold Schwarzenegger the terminator has been renamed the impregnantor, and Former International Monetary Fund Chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been accused of raping his chambermaid!

That said orgasms can also bond a couple in a healthy relationship. It can also lead to a range of often involuntary spoken words and that, dear class, is where my focus is today.

How words said during orgasms links to personality traits...

1. The Optimist - "Ahh...Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes .....Aaahhh ..... ! "

2. The Pessimist - " Ahh ..... Oh No, Oh No, Oh No .....Aaahhh ..... ! "

3. The Confused - " Ahh ..... Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

4. The Traveler - " Ahh ..... I'm cumming, I’m cumming ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

5. The Religious - "Ahh ..... Oh God, Oh God.....Aaahhh ..... ! "

6. The Needy - " Ahh ..... More, More, More..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

7. The Beggar - " Ahh ..... Please ..... Please ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

8. The Submariner - " Ahh ..... Ohhhh ..... Deeper ..... Go DEEPER..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

9. The Sports man - " Ahh ..... Faster .....Faster .....Aaahhh ..... ! "

10. The Mimicry artist - " Ahh ..... Shhhhh ..... Hsssss ..... Shhhhh ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

11. The Dutiful man - " Ahh ..... Oooh maaaa ..... Oooh maaaa..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

12. The Wrestler - " Ahh ..... Hold me tight ....Rougher .... Harder ..... Aaahhh ..... ! "

13. The Murderer - " Ahh ..... I am going to cum .....Ahh .....If you cum before me, I'll kill you .....Aaahhh..... !

14. (adapted for Nigerians) YEPARIPA......... YEPARIPA......... YEPARIPA......... YEPARIPA......... YEPARIPA......... YEPARIPA......... YEPARIPA......... MO TIN MBOOOOOOOOOOO


16. The Pain taker.- E dey pain you... Ehn... Make I remove am....Nooooo Noooooo Noooooooooooooooooooo.......

17.The Guarantor.- E no go tear.....hit am well.. welll. e no tearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Recognise thineself? LOL!

Thanks for reading

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

...and on a lighter note New Suth Effrican Weds in Suth Effrican lungwich Deekshunry

(Found this online. Lwkmd!)

Officials of the New South African government have come to realise that
the current status of having 11 official languages in the New South
Africa is impractical. A new language was thus introduced. This is
the English as it is now spoken on television and radio. The recently
published New Suth Effrican Deekshunry defines these new weds. Here are some
extracts and examples of their usage in the official New Suth Effrican

Bad - you sleep on it in the badroom

Beds - mossies, doves, etc

Beg - container, as in shopping beg, hand-beg, tog-beg

Ben - to set alight

Chealdren - our future is in their hands

Chetz - where worshippers go on Sundays

Cuds - you can play poker or rummy with them

Cut - a small donkey-drawn vehicle

Debben - city in KZN

Deekshunry - where you find weds

Detty - opposite of clean

Die'llas - as in drug die'llas or wee-pon die'llas

Driva - holds the steering wheel of a teksi

Duck - very duck at night when the lights are all off

Ebben - you get ebben erriors and rural erriors

Effrican - from the continent of Africa

Erriors - districts, e.g. ebbon erriors

Ewways - eg. SAA, Comair

Fems - companies, e.g., Anglo-American

Fest - the one before second and third

Fok - used with nifes

Fum - you can fum with ship or kettle

Fumma - he owns the fum

Guddin - where you grow kebbijees

Geave - you MUST geave, I WILL take

Get - a hinged device in a fence

Hair - as opposed to heem

Heppi - state of elatement, e.g. I'm so heppi - I just voted

Hiss - masculine form of hairs

Hubba - where sheeps dock

Itch - as in itch and avairy pesson

Jems - little bugs that give you the flu

Kah - what you drive around in

Kennel - ummy officer

Kebbijees - vegetable

Keptown - some think parliament doesn't belong there

Kettegry - in a system of classification

Kipper - one who kips, as in goal kipper

Kleenix - where nesses weck

Kot - where the judges sit

Len - to acquire knowledge

Leeda - as in Arwa Leeda, the president

Lungwich - weds what are spokkin

Mick - those that will inherit the eth

Miening - what is the miening of this attack?

Nesses - they weck in kleenix and hospitals

Pee pull - powa to da pee pull

Peppa - one way to get the news

Pesson - one of pee pull

Phlegm - the benning top of a kendal

Pees - symbolised by white dove

Pees-Tox - between IRA and John Major

Reeva - e.g. Limpopo, Vaal, Orange

Regime - anything to describe pre-1994

Ree kwest - replaced by dee mands

Rent - N/A - word obsolete

Scotched Eth - guerilla tactic

Sheep - big boat

Shex - houses in squatter camps

Ship - provider of wool

Shit of Peppa - something to write on

Shuck-attak - if the shuck-net is brokkin

Shuck-nets - at Debben, for safety of sweamas

Spitch - what politicians make at a relly

Suth - opposite of North

Sweamas - compete in a sweaming pul

Teps - solvent to thin enamel paint

Teck - see geave

Teksi - kah for hire - sometimes parrot teksi

Tenning point - the "top" of a parabola

Thest - ice cold Coke will relieve it on a hot day

Tipic ally - characteristic

Tocks - negotiations

Ufrican - pertaining to Ufrica

Ummy - military force

Wee men - ladies

We pon - a gun

Wean-dow - with glus for throwing bricks through

Weaned - Gone with the Weaned

Weaner - the one with the most votes

Weckliss - the unemployed pee-pull

Weds - what the dictionary is made up of

Wekkas - do the weck

Weld - the eth

Wems - small crawly creatures

Weth - she is weth her weight in gold.


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Monday, 16 May 2011

Bullying and bullies..part 1

I was bullied in secondary school! Many years ago and I can still remember it!

I recall it was my first time having a period and I was scared of what to do and had no one to talk about it.

I was in a boarding secondary school. A federal government girls college 4hours from home and comfort. I recall it as a flux of rules and energy and lots of bullying and punishment and very few genuine friendly face.

It started at the general assembly. I felt faint and soon noticed blood trickling down my legs to stain my white socks and brown bata* shoes. I kept cleaning it up with fear running through me. Where is it coming from? I was scared and felt like I was less than human and didnt know what to do. We eventually had siesta and some senior girls noticed the state of me. They commanded me to come to their 'segment' as it was called. I felt all eyes on me, as my heart beat faster certain now that I was dying. At that moment all I could hear was an avalanche of insults on me,in between sentences like 'did you pack a sanitary towel'? I nodded with tears in my eyes and snort in my nose. Ah so thats what its used for?? I thought to myself. I wanted it to stop!

Well I finally learnt in between the derision, how to use a pad, I used two for double protection but didnt know how to dispose of it properly. Remember I said secondary school wasaflurry of activities? well before I knew it, a prefect had marched us for prep time (study time).
During prep I was still ill (a feeling i would learn was called dysmennorhea) and felt uncomfortable with my pad, deciding it was time for a change. I finally went outside to take the pad off, I tied it in a bag and threw it in a bin while using a fresh pair for Then came back to class.

Not knowing a bunch of students trailed me. They got a stick, took the pad out of the bin and brought it to where I was sitting. They threw it on my books, insulting me, laughing, saying how a witch will take my blood and I will never have children. I remember crying my eyes out. I also remembered the girls that did it even till this day..I remember that the more I cried, the more they laughed. At that moment, they were the cool kids, I was the outcast.. Years later, I cant figure out why they would do such a thing?

That memory brings me to my guest writer of the day, KitKat and her tales on bullying/bullies....Enjoy

I’ve always had a problem with my English professor. She gives too many essay homeworks and is so strict in grading!!..she’s also very talkative and loud and sometimes it gets a little bit too much. Most of the classmates are so rude to her and when she cracks a “not-so-funny” joke, they laugh at her and make it so obvious that they..well, think she’s a wee bit crazy. I am always surprised she never flips and is always oh-so-jovial no matter how much they push her buttons and make silly comments to her face. Infact she joins them to laugh at herself. Today she came to class, uber excited (as usual), and announced that her seven year old kid just said a complete sentence for the first time. As usual, some smarty mouth was like “ years old?? Isn’t that meant to be normal??”.. and then she goes on to talk about her son and how he’s suffering from autism. She tells us how its so hard to be a parent of a child with autism and how it took him ages to learn to crawl. She literally had to crawl with him between her legs even in public places just so he could learn to do it. She talked about how people make fun of him a lot and some even make rude comments about him right in front of her and being a mother, you can imagine how hard it is to hear another kid at a birthday party call your son a retard. She said there are so many times she wants to give up, but she just can’t give up on her own son, and that there was even a woman that killed her autistic child out of frustration and stress. To top it off, her second child, the elder sister, is suffering from OCD. Everything has to be straight, little things get the girl so worked up, she gets into panic attacks frequently because her mind sees things in a certain way and once something is different from the way her mind sees it, then she just can’t deal with it. So here she was, standing in front of her class of obnoxious students, sharing her real personal story with us, and she was totally smiley-faced about the whole thing. You’ll think she was sharing a real good joke. I don’t know anyone who didn’t have tears in their eyes, it was so emotional to hear what this woman was going through, and the fact that she always radiates such positive energy still eludes me. It just made me feel dumb for all the times I rolled my eyes at her jokes and fantasized about getting the teacher evaluation sheet were I could give her a poor evaluation (just cos I was mad she didn’t know who chimamamda was lool :p ) ..I have a renewed respect for her and I just wish I could have that much resilience in me. Like my biggest worry in life right now is probably how I’m going to sacrifice my sleep to read for my history exam and yet I don’t even radiate as much love and joy as she does… I definitely learnt a lif lesson today.

Sooo I finally finished reading “please stop laughing at me” and I have to say it’s a very emotional book and the fact that it’s a real life story makes it even more emotional. It’s basically the author’s story about her life in junior high and high school and how she had to endure so much torture and bullying from her peers. It didn’t matter that her parents took her from one school to the other to escape all the bullying, no matter how much she tried to avoid being picked on, her peers always made her life a living hell.
They hated her for being brilliant. They hated her for sticking up for other classmates that were being bullied. They hated her for having a deformity in her boobies. They just plain hated her.
She went through all sorts of hell from name calling, to beating, to preventing her from sitting next to them on the schoolbus, to getting snow forced down her throat, to having people spit in her hair and tie it up with chewed gum, got to a point were she was depressed. She never wanted to leave the house, she wanted to commit suicide.. and she was only a teenager. Fast forward to ten years later, she’s now a successful author and publisher. She has worked with plenty celebrities and dignitaries.. she’s sitting in her car in the parking lot of her high school where she’s supposed to be attending her high school reunion, and even though she knows her former tormentors and bullies are now full grown adults and wont be able to bully her again, a part of her is still too scared to leave the car. The scars and memories of her childhood still haunt her. She still feels vulnerable and scared, like the outcast that was dehumanized so many years ago. The most amazing thing is that when she finally steps in, her mates are so nice and sweet to her, and they honestly don’t remember doing all the mean things they used to do to her. To them, she was just one out of many other kids they must have picked on when they were kids. To her, they were the people that scarred her for life and made her question her self-worth.

That’s the thing with bullying and hurting people. The one inflicting the pain barely recalls doing it an hour later. To them it’s no big deal, it was just a way of passing time and having fun. But to the person you hurt, to that person that you took it upon yourself to make the butt of your cruel malicious joke, it’s something he or she remembers for a long long time. Also, it's not so much about the mean things that are done to the person getting bullied, but also all the things that they exclude the person from. Not talking to that one person, inviting everyone else but that person, basically ignoring that person. A quote from the novel says:
"The hardest thing about being an outcast isn't the love you don't receive. It's the love you long to give that nobody wants. After a while, it backs up into your system like stagnant water and turns toxic, poisoning your spirit"

The above piece, titled 'Please stop laughing at me' was written by today's featured author KitKat. Follow her on

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Sunday, 1 May 2011

UK, US, CANADA cost of living many Africans should know about!


So I was taking stock of my time away from Nigeria and how much I have spent since I got here and its unbelievably very high!!

So fellow african just before dashing all out for the UK, (or U.S or Canada) Be warned, be careful & also be prepared...for the cost of living here in the UK is thus:

1. Mortgage payment for Home owners
2. Home Building insurance for home owners
3. Home Content insurance 4 Home owners
4. Rent bills for those renting
5. Gas bill
6. Water bill
7. Electricity bill
8. Council tax
9. Transport fares for Bus or tram passes etc.
10. For car owners - Road tax, MOT, Car insurance, Car servicing, Breakdown cover & the all important Petrol or Diesel.
11. TV Licence
12. Internet fees for Surfing the net
13. Mobile phone bills
14. Home phone bills
15. Sky TV fees
16. Food
17. Clothings
18. Provision
19. Prescription charges
20. Dentist fees
21. ? Savings
22. Charity & Family

DO NOT GET ME WRONG, THE BENEFITS ARE WONDERFUL, THE EXPOSURE IS COMPARABLE TO NONE. THE OPPORTUNITIES ARE THERE.However the fact remains that many do not understand that UK is not a place to earn pounds easily as though picking it from the ground. And those with cars & houses definitely have more bills to sort out than those without, meaning the more you earn the more you pay! So where is the change?

Giving someone a car in the UK is so different from giving someone a car back home in Africa becos here it may be rejected if the person is not ready for the other bills attached to a car owner such as MOT, Road tax, car insurance, Breakdown cover, Servicing & then PETROL.

Mortgage is not heard of back home becos those who buy houses really do it once by paying cash down. But here if anyone tells you he/she has bought a house its a different story, becos it often mean HUGE money has just been borrowed & once that individual fails to pay his or her monthly loan back - the Bank will repossess the house from such. And there has been so many homes repossessed recently since the recent economy crunch.

Like I mentioned earlier, same thing goes on in other places. Take for instance North America. Many Africans who come to North America, expecting it to be easy and stuff, get it pretty rough. You find yourself working 2 to 3 jobs, in order to sustain a lifestyle that is basic to most westerners. Some who blindly think that their credentials will be recognized in the west, are shocked to discover that they have to go back to school or work menial jobs. Most of those jobs, are hardcore factory jobs that often endanger the lives of those who partake in them.

Other things to note, are the international students who get hit hard with the reality of living in the west. School books in North America, could cost as much as a semester's worth of fees in Africa. Tuition is also very expensive and in countries like the US, it can be unaffordable(like 20,000 - 40,000 dollars), unless you get a loan from the government or get a scholarship. In Canada, tuition is like 5000 to 7000 dollars for most universities, as it is subsidized by the government. But i know international students who pay close to 20,000 dollars in tuition. That is excluding living expenses and textbooks. In the UK, cost of tuition for International students used to be 15000-30,000 depending on the courses but the recent plan by the conservatives will further hike such school fees!

These amounts are not even charged by the best universities in Africa.

An article by Danesi in Nigeria Village Square further puts things in perspective:

I do understand why you want to migrate given your love for your family. I am happy that you have all obtained your visas as you look forward to transferring your media skills here (UK). Work was not going the way it should in spite of your towering industry stature. So you have thrown in your retirement letter to everyone's shock. You have sold all you ever owned to be able to relocate with your family. In a nutshell, bridges have been burnt as you look forward to making UK your "new home."

However, you need to prepare for a completely strange transition, which may either make or break you. You will practically go to 'school' on CV writing and before you eventually get it right it might take roughly three months- this is no exaggeration, as there are many critics out here. You will start pushing out your new CV, while it takes about 3,000 to get you one interview! You may have to push out about 30,000 copies to get 10 interviews and you’ll probably need to attend 30 interviews to finally land a job! The truth is you may have to send out 900,000 applications before you get a job here!

If you are wondering why this is so then consider the following statistics and facts: the Royal Mail risks 50,000 jobs; Woolworths, which has 813 stores, collapsed in November and as a result, 25,000 jobs are likely to go; the pound has hit a near low against the Euro; manufacturing has fallen to record lows; the service sector is in record contraction; Britain is slipping down the income rankings; the Bank of England is being blamed for the recession; unemployment has hit 1.8 million- the highest since 1998; UK debt has risen to 1.5 trillion pounds, etc.

Do not be shocked that your M.Sc degree means nothing to the employers here. Worse still, the almost 20 years of experience you have does not count! Most employers do not even know what the HSMP (Highly Skilled Migrant Programme) means!

It is great that you are coming with your family of five, but you need at least £13,000 (N2.8m) to survive the first six months of possible unemployment- and this is outside of London! You’d probably need close to double that amount if you decide to reside in London. You may not be able to earn the mandatory £35,000 per annum required by the Home Office (if your visa is to be renewed in two years time) if you do not work in London. And if your post code reads anywhere but London, your applications will all fire blank. Meanwhile, no employer will tell you the reason.

If you have a relation or friend who lives in London and is willing to accommodate you temporarily, why not come alone for now? However, the danger in that is multi-faceted. Who says you will find work in six months- even menial work? There is a recession here, which affects virtually every sector. You will be shocked to learn that the employment agency would rather call, and even in some cases, register somebody from the EU who cannot express him/herself clearly in English than give you, a master's degree holder a break. And the job in question? Factory operative! The wage is about £5.75 an hour before tax/NI deductions. Do not forget that you need to be in the £24/25 per hour bracket to hit the HSMP £35k target. Relationships with your hosts will be strained in most cases and you will be running bills back home too since your wife is not working.

f you have the money, come with your family, stay with your host for not more than 72 hours, maximum, a week, but be prepared to contribute your quota to the upkeep of the home. You will be lucky if your hosts are not greedy because they have not set eyes ever on the kind of money you are coming with at a go, in their 20-something years of living in the UK!

That you have the money is no guarantee that you will immediately get a house of your own because you do not have a credit history. If you do not have a guarantor (and many potential ones are unwilling) then just pay six months rent upfront. Though the checks that will still be undertaken may take between two to three weeks. Make sure your landlord in Nigeria can easily be reached by the referencing company, e.g. e-mail, fax, land phone, mobile, etc. If you do not get a permanent job before the six months and your landlord wants to sell the property then you start the process all over, though your Nigerian landlord may not be contacted again. If your employment is temporary/contract, which is less than 6-12 months, you will need a guarantor.

Do not be in a hurry to own a car because keeping it on the road is not a joke; more so your driving licence/experience, like your academic certificates/experience, will not be recognised! You will have to start from scratch as a learner, in spite of your 18 years accident-free driving experience on roads that are death traps in Nigeria! Do not even think of using your international driving licence because of the prohibitive insurance premium you will be paying on it. What baffles me, however, is the accident statistics here despite the very strict driving/traffic regulations - every morning my radio reports accidents on the A2, M25, and the lot, as fatal!

The bills never cease to come from utility companies whether you have a job or not! Your local council tax is even reviewed upwards and if you call to let them know you are not working, they ask if your wife is and if she is. Your subsequent bills will come in her name! If you are impatient, the thousands of rejection letters you are going to receive on your applications will almost make you stop believing in yourself - you will think you are absolutely useless! An attempted foray into other unrelated survivalist professions like care work may even return further rejection letters- but you are highly skilled! You will crave anything eventually because the bills are ticking away - lunch time play leader, mail sorter, support worker, anything.

You pick up most newspapers here and it is obvious you could do a better editing job if given the chance, but you have sent more than 5,000 unsuccessful applications to be considered even for the post of assistant reporter! You will almost feel like quitting. Your foreign degree is competing with theirs in this period of recession. Thousands of their citizens are out of work and they would rather give them priority. But do not be frightened, do not despair. I understand that your Christian faith is intact: that is a vital credential you will be need here at this time. Be prepared because at a stage it will look like God does not even operate here!

You were given 24 months and by 10 months into your visa some prospective employers are already weary of even interviewing you, citing "company policy" as the reason (your visa is running out of steam). I can confirm to you that many Nigerians here are returning home in great numbers- are you surprised?

Do you still want to come to UK (U.S,CANADA ETC( Whatever decision you take should consider a lot of the points listed above. Once you do that, you will LOVE living there!!


On a lighter note ;)....101 creative ways to. use a condom.... (clean joke)

1) Odd shaped balloons.
2) Embarrassing people by planting several in their bag, so that when they open it in a crowded computer room, they fall out all over the floor.
3) Swimming hat/shower cap.
4) For washing up when you can't find your rubber gloves.
5) Lens caps.
6) Long lasting bubblegum.
7) Toy manufacture.
8) Radiator leak plugging.
9) Novelty ties.
10) Expandable X-mas stocking to hang on the fire place.
11) Oversocks for leaky shoes.
12) Candle moulds.
13) Spare biro tops.
14) To keep bananas dry in the rain.
15) Emergency bungee cord.
16) Lubricated shopping bags. (For easy extraction of sticky shopping.)
17) James Herriott accessories for cows bottoms.
18) Body bag for a very small person.
19) Avoiding fingerprinting the house you're burgling.
20) Doggy bags.
21) Novelty musical instruments.
22) Wine coolers.
23) Water filled offensive weapons.
24) Fill with your last pint of beer from the pub and take it home.
25) Emergency toilet, after drinking the above on the way home.
26) Sick bags (after drinking the above on the way home, cos you'd drunk too many of the above, above, to know the difference)
27) Shopping bags, when the handles of the old one have just broken.
28) Earrings.
29) Ear mufflers.
30) Ice lolly moulds.
31) Catapult elastic.
32) Knicker elastic.
33) Water termite impressions.
34) Hair bands.
35) Guitar strings.
36) Cheesy dips.
37) Dippy cheese cases.
38) Barrage balloons.
39) Colour filters for disco lights.
40) Turner prize winning modern art (Dead sperm in condoms)
41) Line them up in rows to help people count.
42) Trampolines for mice.
42) Re-usable tampons.
43) Computer keyboard protectors.
44) Waterproofing for personal stereos.
45) Christmas tree decorations.
46) Waterproof finger bandages.
47) An excuse when caught reading
48) Tear catchers hung from each cheek.
49) Nappy substitutes (especially for Tory MPs)
50) Car covers. (Matchbox cars of course.)
51) Snow protectors for Summer shoes.
52) Snow ball carriers.
53) Novelty jelly moulds.
54) Masks for bank robbers.
55) Rude snowman accessories.
56) Self contained underwater breathing apparatus.
57) Fart storage devices.
58) Freezer bags.
59) Gnats swatters.
60) Waterproof gloves for playing snowballs.
61) Waterproof socks for playing in the snow.
62) Waterproof willy gloves for making holes in the snow.
63) Finger puppets.
64) Money bags.
65) Milk carton resealers.
66) Spare sausage skins.
67) Goldfish bags.
68) Icing bags for cake decorating.
69) Elastic bands.
70) Car exhaust bangers.
71) Colostomy bags.
72) Helium balloons for Action Men.
73) Spirit measures.
74) Key rings (you put the keys inside).
75) Hats!
76) Snot catchers!
77) Inflatable boats.
78) Life jackets.
79) Antler protection.
80) Hiccup cures [Bang!]
81) 101 uses list incentive.
82) Cassette cases.
83) Nooses.
84) Flour bombs.
85) Stockings.

86) Leaving presents to the people you didn't like.
87) Leaving presents to the people you want to shag.
88) Shoe laces.
89) Alternative rubber bands.
90) Microwave exploding eggshell catchers.
91) Parachutes for mice.
92) Floppy disk dust covers.
93) Left over turkey storage packs.
94) Bowling ball covers.
95) A mouse house. (Stuck to the side of your monitor.)
96) Quasar gun sabotagers.
97) Collection bag for when someone leaves. (Please give generously)
98) A flask to hold weak lemon drink.
99) Bra for strange shaped women.
100) Udder caps for leaky cows.
101) Bull horn covers.