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Thursday, 15 July 2010

30 commandment to being the perfect wifey : Naija rules of 'engagement' Part 1 :)

30 COMMANDMENTS: to being the “perfect” wifey for a Naija guy by The Amazing Lasses of Lee-ville

1. Thou shall NOT be a LONG TINS BABE (you know what I mean?)
2. Thou shall not lack in boobs, yansh and hips. If you must, please lack only one and find a way to make up for it.

3. Thou shall NOT be a down to earth, real or ride or die chick. I.e all those ruff, rugged and raw “tell it as it is” girls, NOT WERKING.
4. Thou shall not have dew hair (All those afro/afro-kinky “soul” sisters… FORGET IT).
5. Thou shall not be a non-church goer. Ladies, for extra credit, be an usher, Sunday school aunty or PRAYER WARRIOR (This applies to other religious sects)
6. Thou shall not go to club to find husband... YOU GO JONZ!!
7. Thou shall not drink hard liquor or beers. Stick to 2 glasses of wine, IF YOU MUST DRINK ALCHOHOL.
8. Thou shall not have un-manicured nails (It has to be French manicure acrylic nails).
9. Thou shall not have daddy issues (victims of divorced parents and dysfunctional families … keep it to yourselves).
10. Thou shall not go without makeup (i.e. caked foundation, studio fix but ensure that the make up has a natural look which is purple lip liner, pink lip gloss and chocolate/natural eye shadows)
11. Thou shall not lack culinary skills. Perfect the art of egusi, ogbono and all variations of rice. Home Economics is in order
12. Thou shall not be a “posh sturvs”. Sushi or lasagne…uh ..really?
13. Thou shall not knack ya head when you have a weave. Futhermore, on no account should you be caught scratching and flicking the condiments into thin air. That is simply DISGUSTING.
14. Thou shall not do any strange degrees, such as development, journalism or medical genetics. Ladies, stick to law, engineering, accounting, business or pharmacy.
15. Thou shall not have a sense of humour or try to even be funny (note: SARCASM IS A NO NO)
16. Ultimately, thou shall not go past a first degree, maybe masters (PHD IS AN ABORMINATION)
17. If thou must study a masters, please please, remember to dumb down when hanging with his friends.
18. Thou shall not disclose too much of yourself. You will seem needy
19. Thou SHALL NOT have a sex life or sexual imagination prior to meeting him. Let him “teach” you.
20. Thou shall not listen to anything other than r’n’b or hip hop (common is pushing it). All you World music and rock chicks, NOT HAPPENING MATE).
21. Thou shall NOT an independent woman. (all those “I can pay my own bills” bullshit… Basically , LONG TINS). Refer to commandment one!
22. Thou shall not be opinionated or well informed (WARNING: This might come off as intimidating. Besides, no one likes a miss know it all).
23. Thou shall not go to any obscure University. Please stick to Kent, Leicester, Nottingham, and Reading. (WARNING- YOU WILL END UP ALONE).
24. Thou shall not be overly friendly. All those social butterflies and jovial. Personalities…BEWARE.
25. Thou shall not be anti-social when it comes to his family. You have to GET IN THERE FULLY.
26. Thou shall not explore any originality when it comes to fashion. Stick to T.M Lewin, Hawes&Curtis, pointies or kitten heels, and jeans – Abortion belt always puts the icing on the cake. To complete the look, don’t be seen without your thick framed rectangular glasses (YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS).
27. Thou shall not hunt in packs (warning to girls with bossom bodies that cant be separated
28. Thou shall NOT be loud. Keep your voice to a minimum always
29. Thou shall not appear to be having too much fun on the dance floor. When it comes to dancing, keep it simple (Dutty winders and grinders, ITS NOT HAPPENING).
30. Thou shall not think about breaking this next commandment. The ULTIMATE, IF NOT YOU ARE FINISHED.It Will be an OYO STATE (on you own) FOR YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. LADIES PLEASE PLEASE AND PLEASE DO NOT GO TO THE BEDROOM WITH ANY WRAPPER, NIGHT SHIRT, WHITE TOP GEL OR SHELLY ON YOUR FACE. If you must Do all the above, LADIES, BURN THOSE GOLD AND BLACK HAIR NETS. Girls, we are all guilty of owning a hair net or 2. And we know that all the commandments before suggests that you must be a babe on P constantly. You have to FIND A WAY TO WORK AROUND THIS HAIR NET ISSUES. Statistics dictates that one in two marriages FAIL due to this.

My thoughts: Chei I use those nets sha, is that why..? Laff Wan Scatter My Belle For Here ooooo (LFWSMBFHO).

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Nutty J. said...

Ha will not killl someborri with laugh.

But seriously study has shown that chicks who adhere to all these rules are married or almost married.

Damn!!! why did I miss DUMB 101 in school...


The nitty-gritty tales of a housewife said...

LWKMD ooooooooo!..
shioooo! 9ja guys too get wahala! takes a lot to satisfy them in marriage sef!

skankmypeaceofmind said...

oh girl if i tell you say you no well you no go believe but to be honest, if this commandment is to be followed, i no go marry at all because i commit like almost 70% of them especially the over social/very funny/opinionated/independent/natural hair/wanting to get a masters and Ph.D/not dumbing it down/not being an super church goer (I'm a Sunday only person)/un-manicured nails/not into make up/not loving only hip hop and r'n'b. i'm an all music lover/...need i write more?

so you see, if them follow this law, then i go just prepare myself for single motherhood because i no sure say i ready to loose myself for one jumbo because say i wan answer last name wey most twenty-first century women no dey do again.

Jennifer White said...

@ Mena: This is very Informative. I've shared it on my wall. The people need to be educated.... bruhahaahha

rayo said...

skank has dropped my comment already. lol. i actually did have a guy tell me im too intelligent 4 my own good. smh

Mena UkodoisReady said...

@ Nutty: Na so we see am o, all this your blogging minini should stop! ;)

@ nitty gritty: lol, at least you have passed a crucial scarcity of good men cause this list

@skank:lol! Na here I know for sure, say you be woman. na so we see am! :

@ Jenny white: wow, thanks for landing blogs ville!

@ Rayo: one would think smart women are an asset and not a liability, no wondey yankee and uk are miles ahead in development!

@all: thanks for visiting, am grateful :)

Ifeoma-adiagwuagwu said...

lolz, laughter wan kill me die. Nice one. I really enjoyed reading the commandments. Some naija men and their wahala. Well, it is well.

Anonymous said...

that was a good list, i agree to some of them, but not all of them. i don't agree with not wearing your own hair, many men complain about fake hair anyways. I've been natural for 2 years and my hubby loves it a whole lot better than weaves, and don't get me started with lace fronts. Wearing that crap will never get you a real man that appreciates realness, maybe an ex-prisoner or Riffraff might like it, i guess.

Mena UkodoisReady said...

Ifeoma see us see trouble :)

Anonymous 15:19: chei! haba! ex prisoner ke? you are wickid oh! I like!
Thanks for visiting


KabiOsi Edumare said...

i bet whoever wrote dis is still damn single...**smh**

Mena UkodoisReady said...

@Kabiosi: very good point!