Real Men Risk Rejection
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Men Initiate
Among the different roles assigned to men and women in the Bible, men are assigned the role of leadership. This is true in the church and in the family. This is not a signal of male superiority or of the greater importance of men. It is simply God's design and assignment of equally valuable roles among spiritually equal beings. Men initiate, women respond. Briefly, biblical support for this position is found, among other passages, in the creation order in Gen. 2, in 1 Cor. 11: 7-9, and Eph. 5. True, these passages refer to marriage, but it is wise and right to set patterns that will serve you well in marriage, especially if one accepts the premise that the purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner.
What does this actually look like in a budding relationship between two people?
First, the man should initiate asking the woman out. Whether this means approaching the woman herself or her father or someone filling that role instead of her father, it should be the guy that starts things off. As I mentioned, he should not do this until he is "ready" to marry. If you're not ready to marry, you're not ready to date.
As a quick aside, if you are a single man and you would not describe yourself as ready to be married within a year, think about why that is. I mention this for two reasons: (1) Scripture seems not just to encourage, but to assume that part of the growth into biblical manhood is to seek marriage, so this is a biblical goal; and (2) easily the biggest complaint that I and others who advocate this approach get from godly Christian women is that men don't initiate.
If you're still in school or not out on your own, disregard this for the moment. But if you're out of college and do not feel specifically called to singleness for biblical reasons, why are you not looking to be married? Dr. Albert Mohler has talked about a growing culture in society and in our churches of perpetual boyhood; some psychologists call it the "Peter Pan syndrome."
As I said, in the Bible, marriage and family are considered a natural stage of progression toward manhood. The command in Genesis to be fruitful and multiply is a general command. When Paul extols singleness in 1 Cor. 7 (which is an often-misused passage in this area of life), it is singleness for the purpose of enhanced ministry (discipleship, teaching, missionary work).
If you are floating around staying single because you enjoy social flexibility or having time to yourself or hanging out with the guys or because you have worldly ideas about the perfect woman or how to approach marriage, consider: Are you approaching manhood and marriage biblically? Every male who is out of college should have at least thought this through.
Once he determines he is ready to be married generally, and once he has found a particular woman he is interested in pursuing, our single man's next step is to "put some feelers out." He should talk to some of her friends, see if she's been asking about him, have one or two subtly suggestive conversations with her to see if she gives anything away.... NO! This is not initiation. Initiation is not manipulating the situation so that while you're officially "asking her out" there's no actual risk of rejection or embarrassment.
Initiation means initiation. It means that you as the man take the first step, risk and all.
In his Boundless article, "Real Men Risk Rejection," Michael Lawrence eloquently summarizes both the objections some men might raise to this idea, and, in my view, the ideal response:
"'Wait a minute. Are you saying that all the risk is mine?' Yes I am. 'Doesn't that mean that she can just tell me no and leave me twisting in the wind?' Yes it does. Welcome to leadership. Welcome to trusting God. Welcome to being a man. Your cards belong on the table. Your intentions and your feelings, to the extent that you can discern them and it is appropriate for you to share them, should be clear. Part of your role even at this early stage is to protect the woman of your interest from unnecessary risk and vulnerability by providing a safe context in which she can respond."
Truly profund! selah (as illustrated by 'lola Thompson)
Have a blessed and rewarding week ahead
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