The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of the writers but based on extensive research and surveys.
1. Thou shall not be a SMALL BOI!!
2. Thou shall not be a long sturvs guy… all those I don’t really know what I want right now, I am not ready for a relationship, “its not you, its me”, I cant give you what you want…LONG TINGS PLEASE!!!! (let us know your P)
3. Thou shall not be giving us DEEP STURVS...stick to OLU MAINTAIN and DBANJ (all you talib kweli and mosdef lover...NOT WERKING)
4. Thou shall not wear “jumping jacks” trousers, Polo shirt, popping collar and sagging jeans, and then believe that you are kaking up. (NOT THAT TYPE OF TIN PLS!!!)
5. Thou shall not be popping Moet, holding bottles of Hennessy and or Courvoisier (you are a SMALL BOY!!!! Refer to commandment 1)
6. Thou shall not be wearing monogram outfits. Take note: Fendi belters and Gucci shoe wearers ( AGAIN REFER TO COMMANDMENT 1)
7. Thou shall not be asking what I am wearing in the middle of the night. If its hooking you like that, YOU CAN POP YOUR CHAMPAGNE!!
8. Thou shall not be asking me How far with my friend, “she’s ok innit though”
9. Thou shall not be pulling all those half and half bill type sturvs. Its cheap plus I don’t think your grand father will approve of that… traditions baby traditions.
10. Thou shall not be cracking dry jokes… ITS NOT FUNNY!!!
11. Thou shall not be forming RMK (Rich Men’s Kids) commandment 1 peoples commandment 1
12. Thou shall not use money as bait ( especially when you cannot put your money where your mouth is… and you might just end up being used)
13. Thou shall not be my navigator or stalker, its not very attractive (I am thinking desperado!)
14. Thou shall not live in CATFORD, CANNING TOWN especially THAMESMEAD ( LETS LEAVE YAHOOZEE FOR THE DANCE FLOOR)
15. Thou shall not tell me your whole life history (BORING!!!!)
16. Thou shall not be lying about your achievements… If you didn’t go to school, please say so!
17. Thou shall not be coming up to me and telling me “I am a rapper” (you seem ambitionless especially if you are a drop out!)…stuck to Business or Oil and Gas Engineering, that way we won’t have to worry about the sale of your albums.
18. Thou shall not be giving us American accent or South London sturvs…like “innit” and “shorty” (naff pls)
19. Thou shall not be telling me, “I have so many female friends” (we all know, you are sleeping with them)
20. Thou shall not be trying to prove that you are different from any other (who are we kidding? YOU ARE ALL THE SAME!!)
21. Thou shall not be speaking pigin English to me. (We know every girl wants a “real” guy but that’s pushing it mate!!)
22. Thou shall not be a “mummy’s boy”….its not cute! (REFER TO COMMANDMENT 1)
23. Thou shall not be a PANT wearer, stick to boxers or boxer briefs!!
24. Thou shall not have crusty hands and feet, manicures and pedicures are not restricted to the female race!
25. Thou shall not be a Michelin man, all you 24 hour gymers… Its not that attractive!!
26. Thou shall not have “big nyash” pls leave it for the ladies (ALL YOU RMD NYASH LOOKALIKES... TAKE NOTE)
27. Thou shall not have long finger nails… its simply disgusting!
28. Thou shall not be caught “shuffling your balls” in public…that’s just razz!
29. Thou shall not forget to introduce us to your families, especially the mothers and sisters… WE NEED TO GET IN THERE FULLY!!!!
30. Thou shall not break this last rule. If you do you are FINISHED!!! You have no hope even in hell. If you break this next commandment, there is no redemption. THOU SHALL NOT HAVE SMALL STURVVVVZ!! This one Viagra cannot help you out, you are doomed for life!!!!!!
My thoughts: *Caller busy, try again later*