Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Your child is cute but...&other stories (Disclaimer: copious amount of sarcasm within bog!)
Cute child but...:
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead
Naturally The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children had terrible report cards, were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his or her work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!
Just for smiles:
Gina returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband Patthat the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love to her. Of course he agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later Gina went to him again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Pat agreed and again they made love.
Later Gina was getting into bed when she realized she now had only Eight hours of life left. she touched Pat's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." He agreed, then afterward he rolled over and fell asleep.
Gina, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said, "Listen Gina, I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Anyone for a cup of ..Innuendo's
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that'
Ladies, do CATER to your husband:
Sani and his bride had been married only two weeks.
Sani, although very much in love, can't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. "Honey," says he to his new bride, "I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asks the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." "You want a beer, My Love?" She opens the refrigerator door shows him 25 different brands of beer from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, USA including six places he's never even heard of.
Sani is nonplussed, and all he can think to say is, "Yes, Honey Pie, but the bar you know...the frozen glass..." He hasn't finished the sentence before wifey interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug out of the freezer that is so cold that it burns his fingers "Yes, Tootsie Roll," hubby says a bit desperately, "but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Pookie Pooh?"
She opens the oven and removes 15 different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But, Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Here...DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss
each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little
horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister
shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need
be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it.
But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
As women grow older...
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.