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Monday, 16 August 2010

Woman on the brink...! ( Just venting..(2)..)

If you are joining in, this is a continuation of part 1 (( )), where I wrote that I was in the middle of a semi cold war at home. My parents were not speaking to me.

Dont get me wrong, we speak almost everyday but I sense the malice in what they 'dont' say..they want me back in Nigeria..and I am not eager to go.

*Mounting my soap box, preparing to rant..look away if you cant stand the sight of blood, lol* Back in Nigeria I was incredibly worried about every thing! The bad roads, the lack of steady power supply, fuelling/ servicing my car, the generators and so on, beating the traffic, violence, road rage, armed robberies, my 'single' state.

It affected me so much, that the best graphic representation of my emotional state is this next picture..

In that state I made some bad decisions which in hindsight didnt not make sense. I even made horrible investments all because I wanted to be married.

My mum didnt help matters at all. I lived and breathed my 'accursed single state' every second I was awake.(She will come into my room by 5am and start to talk about it while I get up from bed and try to get ready for work..then hours later when I am back from work, she starts again and doesnt stop till 12 midnight! seriously!)

Thing is since I came here, I have seen that there is more to life than being married or single or working to live, or worrying about power failure, our unsafe roads, or about friends/family members that dont mind their own business and so on.

I am more open minded, have honed in on my leadership skills, have achieved more intellect wise, academic wise and friends say I am more confident and have been chosen as the head of my team in my last three engagements. While far from being mega wealthy, I am comfortable with what I have right now and grateful to God for every improvement.. Its been a great journey of discovery and I have been loving every step.

On the flip side: Now some of my friends who used to be here or in the U.S; and I mean funloving, creative intelligent ladies who were super achievers in terms of academics, business life and so on, have moved back home (Nigeria) and they have transformed from confident ladies, to always miserable, constantly depressed ladies always whining about being single, linking it to God's punishment.Seeing every man as 'the one' till he runs away. etc

Its not their fault.....

Its how that soceity treats women who are still single. I mean the s.m.i.w which is an acronym for single, matured independent woman. Its always the woman's fault and some go further to say *and please, dont laugh, I am being serious* that the woman has the spirit of whoredom/witchcraft or/and is demon possessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You become kind of ostracised. Your married friends feel you shouldnt visit much since you may 'steal' their husbands with your evvil inspired magic. Men believe you are 'easy picking' since you are not answerable to any partner.

They react badly when you rebuff them (at least in my personal experience).

Plus, women just dont support each other enough. Would you believe in a reality programme back home, a twenty something year old married actress* say Miss Y bullied a thirty-something year old single artiste* sat Miss O on the basis of she was still single? If the venue was in U.S or UK someone like miss Y will not feel she was better than anybody on the back of being married. Someone like Miss O will not cry ceaselessly and threaten to kill herself etc etc.

Yep, the younger lady actually felt she was better than the older lady all bcos she was married and she said so in not to so polite words.The older woman, even as popular as she is, very talented, independent winning rave reviews and accolades, cried ceaselessly. I mean, how can a woman living in a socety like Nigeria, knowing how single woman are treated use that language on a fellow woman? She did because she felt her 'status' was one-up on other women!

If the venue was in U.S or UK someone like the younger lady will not feel she was better than anybody on the back of being married. The older lady will not cry ceaselessly threatening to die etc etc.

Tell you what is ironic, miss Y that is busy gloating is forgetting that in that same society women are discarded at will, with no support for herself or her children(unlike in uk, or u.s.a), so hey its easy to become as single as the one you gloat over!!!

*taking deep breaths*

Methinks, there is a real and present problem in our country and every mother or father or brother or uncle or cousin or sister and aunty should address this problem before people literally start toping themselves!! Next time you or I see a single, matured woman, be more understanding!

Yes, you and I contribute to their mental state in overt and covert ways!!

For instance, my single friend in Nigeria called to moan about issues back home and spoke about how her married friends/relatives monitor her progress.

I mean they criticise everything, from who visits her, what she wears etc. Some are encouraging her to 'brush up' some men to make them eligible. i.e spend money on clothing them, paying their rent, and prepare to pay for the wedding so she can 'settle down'.

She is now melancholic, basically shadow of her former vibrant self, always deep in thought, mentally punishing for herself.

What I got from that was this point: How miserable are smca (smug married and concerned association) in their collective marriages that the highpoint of their life is making a beautiful, healthy, loving& generous woman (she is practically the bread winner in her home and is training her younger ones all by herself)
intelligent lady-(she made a first and at an early age)

and usually very bright and happy girl, become permenantly miserable?

Surely if these smca's were happy people, truly enjoying family life, they will appreciate each happy human being, knowing how increasingly difficult it is, for people to find contentment and peace in their respective situation?

What are these smca's gain, if they see a girl (like my friend), drive home happy from work, singing to herself, then soberly tell her at dinner or whatever, how her junior's juniors are married or how she wont be able to have healthy kids anymore, so her face crumbles and later they hear her cry out to God in prayers? *Yes they told her unless she confesses out loud and cry out, she will not find a solution!!!!*

Do they grovel in her misery? Is their marriage so hard that they find joy in making her close to suicidal??

I dont gerrit!!!

*more deep breaths*

Over here its not like in Nigeria. A woman like condoleeza is treated with respect and on the back of her achievements she became the secretary of state and so on. If she was in Nigeria, even with her achievements, she just might have killed herself (seriously speaking now!!) as a means of escaping all the negative talks about her being single and childless in her 50's. And no I am not exaggerating.

I thank God I had an opportunity to come here and see how life is from another perspective and I just aint eager to go back!

*Rant Over, steppping off soap box *

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Anonymous said...

Thank you very much,thats all i can say.

Mena UkodoisReady said...

@ Anonymous: please dont mention..did it with all pleasure. ;)

Anonymous said...

All single women are evil! and if you are over 25 and not 'affianced' surely you have been married off to a water spirit. you should therefore be betrothed to a fancy tree in the amazon.. and you can cleft to the tree when it is under threat to be cut down.... and defend your rights as a wife... you will have to divorce the tree though, if you meet a real live boi!

Mena UkodoisReady said...

*Loonatics at my gate*

Thanks anonymous 07.29, I welcome all opinions, even the more demented ones. :P..I guess thats your view, but am stomped.. whats the difference between boi and tree? (am curious ni oo)

:D rofl!

capricorndee said...

The plight of single Nigerian women....SMH in wonder.
I was talking to a friend of mine who moved back to Naija, left a promising career and active social life in the U.S. to have a baby and get married all in one year! She still lives with her parents o, cos the guy is not "comfortable" enough to afford housing, and she asked me when I would get married.
It took all my self-restraint to ask her to tend to her own young yet broken home, than minding my own relationship status! There is more to life than getting married (unhappily) and then trying to bear the (hellacious) marriage out!!!!

Mena UkodoisReady said...

Capricorn, i appreciate your comment and salute your openness, lets tell each other the truth!!!

At least your example had a well to do family who took her in. Look, this Lady x used to rub it in that she was better then the rest of us bcos she weddedjust after uni and so was a married woman with kids, several years down the line we understood that the marriage was only in name as the hubby didnt support her one inch. I shudder to imagine being heavily pregnant (so obviosuly cant work to support myself) and yet to all and sundry I am 'settled'. The man was so inconsiderate that he prefers to spend on his mistresses outside than on the expectant wife in his home.Maybe this level of abuse was what made her so bitter in the way she addressed us that had finished with her, so had a degree, (some 2 or more) a job and yet were still single.
What kind of life is that?

we too dey lie for naija, pretending all that glitters is gold, when its not!Making people miserable for no just reason.*takes deep breath*

lol, sorry, i think am still venting

thanks dear x

The nitty-gritty tales of a housewife said...

I couldn't help laughing at the soap box illustration & stepping out of it after the ranting which you definitely hit the nail on the head!... i married late & someone told my mum to arrange a hubby for me on my 26th birthday!...i wept, & when my brother's wife had their first baby, one of the guests asked me when they would come to my own...i cried again!...when i was 25, my uncle wrote a letter to me asking what i was waiting for? sista, i know how you feel big time! 9ja, it's the wedding ring on the woman' hand that brings 3rd cousin is getting married on Saturday at age 32....she did not allow anybody to pressurize her at all! i like her gut...truthfully speaking,...9ja is yet to get to that level as in abroad.....& the churches are not helping matters at all....i wrote about marriages in 9ja last week.....have you read it?...your ranting goes along the same wave length with mine....please continue to have fun with your life...&DON'T hurriedly go into marriage..SHINE YOUR EYES WELLU! WELLU!..take care.

Angelique said...

An ardent lover of Nigeria, I will always say your environment is what you permit!
Yes there are more marital status prejudices here, but believe me nobody can make you cry if you make them realise they should be the ones crying. I am a mature single and I come across shamelessly-insecure people like the married folk in your story and even the demented annonymous person above.Yet, I've successfully pursued my career even while supervising several rude married men/ women. Daily I face the challenges of church politics when I'm voted to lead on several strata because not only am I single but I have a daugther. I have therefore made it a point to straighten these people out very lovingly. Being a diplomat I have sent many to their closets to think about how to better appreciate peoples' choices and mind their business. My dear, leaving Naija for the sake of other people's oppinion is definitely not a solution. I work hard and hopefully hope that some day, I'll make my mark despite all odds.
Gender, race and all sorts of prejudices are everywhere and only the strong stand out, I am certain, even condoleeza had to scale her way through these.

The Secret Class said...

Wow, i had no idea Nigeria was so backwards when it came to such matters. I live in ireland and there are a lot of Nigerian people here as refugees and I never noticed but yes most of the women are married! Well I am not married and I am proud of it! I would hate to be married in my 20's, what a waste of my youth and freedom. That is just what I think though, i would never look my nose down at anyone else because of their marital status, that is crazy crazy. I hope you get to go back to America soon so you can feel at ease again, all that stress is not good for your health.