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Thursday 15 April 2010


Greetings revered audience, are you seating comfortably? :D

Sorry for my disappearance', but am back to blogging up a storm.
This piece introduces Mena's brother very good friend, Ant, a great influence on her life. Literally. ..
It comes with several parts but I want to test the waters with this part, see if all concerned are comfy with it, before I continue. Enjoy.

I went window shopping at Bond Street the other day. Stepped into Selfridges and was immediately arrested by the salesgirl...

Okay not arrest per say, harassed!

"Hi,I have just the right blusher for your skin tone. If you could just spare 5minutes and I .." I heard her say.

I look at my reflection on the mirror, you must be kidding me, surely this face does not need any make up??

" It wont be long I promise. Now, Madam, could you please suck in your cheeks, just like this.." she chirped on.

Madam?! Who is she calling madam?? I sucked in my cheeks. I looked on as she applied the brush. I tried guessing her age. Her face looked like that of a teenager, maybe 20 but the size of that chest, and the boobs on it, looked anything between the ages of...!!

She interrupted my thoughts.

"There you go. You look fantastic, take a look"

and I took one look................

........and I was rather impressed.

"WOW" I exclaimed!

"Isnt it lovely? You have great cheekbones!" she replied all excited.

"So what is this colour"

"Its a mixture actually. I blended two different colours: that is rosewood and raspberry to get this effect." She replied professionally of course

"Great, am getting this." I stated.

" Good. That will be £30" She says and hurries on to get a new pack.

Okay so Er.. i didnt say it out loud per se..I said it with raised eyebrows. 30 pounds on a blusher ke?!

She continued oblivious to my raised eyebrows.
"Its a best seller! I only have 1 left in stock. I think its a great investment."

I started to argue with my mind.

"Its too costly"
"You look great and its difficult getting your match talk less of size in almost anything"
"You didnt have to say that!! Besides I can get it cheaper elsewhere"
"Where exactly? You cant trust all those cheap article on your skin. How are you sure of the ingredients they used in making it so cheap? Besides they dont usually have the colour that fits your tone, do you want to look like an ashankafe or like a lady?"
"..but 30 pounds"
"You do realise that you are in Selfridges?! Make up your mind, she is getting your bill done.."

So I got it! I bought the Giorgio Armani Blending blush duo

The rather enterprising lady gave my face a mini make over and used the opportunity, to try and persuade me to purchase even products. I politely refused, showered her with praises and left.

Strolled along the high street, telling myself that this trek is good for my figure..or whats left of it. Spotted a Starbucks and promptly went in so I could use their wireless connection.

So there I was typing up on some research. (I sometimes do some freelance research on behalf of people) when I heard..


I froze, godpleasedontletitbeforeme, god please dont let it be for me.

But it seems that god had a different plan..

"Winch!" "Mena", "soooo niiicee to see you!!!"

I remained frozen on my laptop, hoping I didnt hear that properly..
No such luck

"Baaabe, am talking to you. How u dey na? Loooong tiiime!"

Nigerians, please why must you shout from one end of a shop to address a person in another? It was not an emergency, I am not exactly able to run away, levitate, or even vanish into thin air.. so whats all the shouting for?? 'specially when you know y'all would still come closer.

I finally got the courage to look in the direction of that rich, baritone voice, I took a quick glance, looked around, and couldnt believe my eyes, there he was, my dearest pseudo-brother Ant!

"Hi Ant, so glad to see you!!!!"

"Heey Mena, looking goood. I came in to get some shirts from TM Lewin (mena, puhlease, dont roll your eyes) when I saw a familiar figure, seating in starbucks. At first, I wasnt sure it was you, but when you turned around.."

I shot him a cold glance and said: "Dont dare say it"

"...i instantly recognised that yansh! Aint no hiding that one." he finished with a cheeky grin.

"So you have not changed at all?" I asked my uncouth friend

"Changed? Why? Its me Ant, 6ft 3, 95kg, 7inches of prime, black beef! Rumour has it that when God was creating me.."

"Please save it for your fan club abeg.."I quickly shot in, with a huge smile. I knew his 'lyrics' by heart.

"Big girl Mena, selfridges right?" He looked at the bag, being Ant he couldnt just had to take a peek

"Please dont further add to my feelings of disgust, I think I have just been conned into buying an overpriced blusher."

" Really" he looked more closely at my face and exclaimed: " damn! is that what you have on? You look radiant, wow, not bad at all."

I thanked him and tried to save my work..

He continued: "Had no idea you were here. You never mentioned it, not even on facebook and I literally stalk your account, I will know if you mentioned it.."

I interrupted him "Oh so you have a facebook account?"

"Yes Mena and we are friends" He sighed audibly and said: "Havent you learnt anything from me?. SO you just add people without knowing them?" He asked with..hold on, is that a look of disbelief?

"Look I try to be careful but I get so many invites, I just agree to all. Then if I notice that the account is dormant, has never spoken to me, or is a 'ghost' account, I quietly delete them". I explained

"Please dont delete me o, I am Bugs Bunny." He replied with a grin

"Bugs Bunny' sha? Then you are on my 'ought to delete' friend list."

Then I remembered he said the word, 'stalk', and so I queried him:

"Oh thats how we do it now? So it has come to this point that you stalk my account? Whatever happened to a phone call? an email? a visit..."

" Visit? How Mena? I didnt know where on God's green earth, you were. You never let on much about your personal stuff, not to mention your movements. But you are right, I kept a low profile.." Ant replied

"Of course you did,what with the fast one you pulled on me last time..." I gave him a direct stare.

He gave me a guilty hug and apologised profusely:

"Mena, please I am sorry about that, I was at my wits end and was desperate."

I saw an opening and quickly gave him a shot of: "Why wont you be desperate, when you keep dating crocodiles, hyenas and the occasional squirrel.."

"Ha ha Mena, glad to see your crazy side is still intact. Good one, I see you took notes. But there can only be one master, and that is Ant, 6ft 3, 95kg of..."

He had this way of laughing, very infectious.

Quick note for your benefit: Look, if you think I am bad, you should listen to Ant. He is the most outrageous person I know, and his oratory skills leaves me spinning! Please let us not mention the pet names his 7 sisters had graciously bequeathed to me. Or the various names his 'chiquittos' have used to address me. Lets just say he taught me very well!!

"Abeg make i hear word .." I was smiling as well as hissing* (*kissing my teeth)

""Ha ha ha, I deserve that. But seriously Mena, we should meet up. Please just give me a day you are free and I will explain why I took off. Also, babes, regardless of my explanations, i am very very sorry and I shall pay you back..erm.. with interest..please" He pleaded.

I cant stay angry at family and Ant is practically family so I said: "Okay sha, you met me in a benovelent mood"

So as we decided on a date, I couldnt help but ask "So how are your sisters, the 7 witches and their respective covens?"

He he, I was obviously on a roll

"Ha ha, they are fine, will fill you in when we meet. Drama Unlimited!" He promised

So I had to look forward to our 'date'

Will continue later with the story of Crocodile, one of Ant's chiquittos, and her famous words:

" Not only do you look like a hippo, Mena, you clearly possess the grace of a hippo!" said the crocodile


roundsquare said...

Ant is so typical an underground friend, pretends to be happy to see you, when he's obviously planning to cut the brake cables of your car!!

you're so satirical. i was expecting to hear more of the blush antithesis, but it's okay to hear Ant's blushing comment on it.

(please, remove me from 'ought to del' list)

great read Effe. cheers

Mena UkodoisReady said...

LOL roundquare!

You have guessed right as to Ant's personality! You are too intelligent!

I agree with you, i spent to long on the blusher. Thing is its a loong story and i had to break it into several parts, i guess that sortof created a false sense of satire.

Thank you roundsquare, I do treasure your comments, as you are a Professional in the trade!
Gideon the great 1. we lay at thine feet, hoping to learn just a miniscule of the wisdom within thee. :)