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Wednesday 19 January 2011

HELP (1) I have given God everything I have without a man or child to call my own

Please help me. Why has God abandoned me to suffer this shame? I did everything He asked me to do.

Hello Dear Patient Reader ;)

So I was browsing blogsville when I came across some stories. They claim to be true life stories and the writers actually need our advice. I couldnt resist but bring some of them to them to my blog so readers who have gone though a similar experience can play agony aunt and give them solutions. Or you can even give them some tough love as well. They will be published from time to time in a series titled 'HELP', this is the first part.

By my thinking any one of us can be silently going through terrible ordeals in our lives thinking we are alone, and believing there is no solution, no way out, well there is a way out! All you need to do is speak out or write anonymously, someone somewhere will respond to you. You are never alone, certainly not in blogsville.

So here is one of the stories, names adjusted for obvious reasons.

I am in my late 40s. I have never been married and still waiting on God to give me the man of my dreams. I have always been a good Christian, one that kept all the doctrines and did nothing without consulting my pastors. I became born again when I was in secondary school. My parents attend Catholic Church. Though they tried to dissuade me from joining my church, they soon gave up on my ways and me. They did to have peace at home as I was as determined too to make life difficult for them.

There is nothing I do without the express permission of my pastors to the irritations of my parents who saw it as another form of idolatry. From as far as I can remember, no man came my way without me first seeking the approval of my pastor.

Strangely, none of the men was ever approved as being the right man for me. After a while, when all my friends were all almost married, my mother called me aside to plead with me to get married and stop pegging my decision on who is right or wrong on the recommendations of my pastors.

I ignored her because she has always been my major antagonist when it comes to religious matters. I had to leave home when the last of my sisters got married. Being the first daughter and child of the family, my mother told me she couldn’t live with me any longer under the same roof. And that she wanted her husband to herself since I have refused everyman who came my way.

At the time I left five years ago, the number of men asking for my hand in marriage had almost disappeared entirely. Many who saw me assumed I was married with children. The few that came my way were either out to mock me or looking for a woman to sleep with.

I became not just desperate but afraid that I might end up without a husband. As I write my youngest sister has two children already. My immediate sister’s two children are already in the university. The rest of my siblings are not only married but are parents. These days, I hate going home because they all look at me with scorn.

Since last year, not even the wayward ones have come my way to even look at the market I am selling. The worst thing now is that my menses have stopped flowing.

The most painful thing now is that all the pastors who once encouraged me are now urging me to lower my standards and marry any man before I completely lose out. At 49, what choices do I have? I went for medical examinations when I discovered my menses had stopped only to be told by the doctor after examination that I was entering menopause.

Help me , because I feel suicidal. I want children, husband like every other woman, but here I am, having given God everything I have without a man or child to call my own. I am looking older than my age because of all the frustrations.

Please help me. Why has God abandoned me to suffer this shame? I did everything He asked me to do.

Well people, what do you think about this situation? she needs your opinions now, a sign or word to touch her life. :-( Thanks in advance.
P.s: These sort of stories will be published from time to time in a series titled 'HELP', this is the first part.


Myne said...

What can I say, she should take heart and for now enjoy being by herself and loving herself. Someone may come soon.

Mena UkodoisReady said...

Hi Myne,

And yes, I agree she should start to enjoy herself! For now it looks as if she has spent 49yrs pleasing others.

E don do!

thanks :)


hmmmm,i think she should just really pour out her heart to God,its not easy 49yrs..God dey

Anonymous said...

Why didn't she seek the face of God directly on her own in addition to consulting her pastors?
Anyway at this point, she just needs to relax, maybe go on a vacation, and take time out to live her life without "consulting" people.

Anonymous said...

I am short of words.....did you say this story is true?... @49...she should look out for a widower or divorcee to get marry to...if she has the money, she can travel abroad to be injected with hormonal boosters or the remaining of her eggs frozen...if not, she can adopt a child to call her own.

I like to say here that, I DON'T HOLD ANY M.O.G IN HIGH ESTEEM! This is a good example to our xtain brothers & sisters who IDOLIZE pastors! For crying out loud, they are FLESH & BLOOD like you & I! they are telling her to lower her standard!...I BELIEVE THEY ARE REFERRING TO SEX & QUALIFICATION!!!!!!!!!.....Let the truth be told!!!

It's really a pity....i won't tell her to take heart & keep waiting becox SHE NEEDS A REALISTIC APPROACH NOW! She MUST had heard so many of such 'motivational talks'....she wants a husband, let her join the dating site & request for a WIDOWER OR DIVORCEE period! If she has the money, LET HER GO FOR ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION!

Anonymous said...

Well, just don't know what to say,but i think i will advice her to consult the pastor on the next step to follow since she has made the pastor her oracle,maybe the right man is on the

Anonymous said...

O lord of mercy........look with pity on us all. A Nation riddled by greed! This is always the outcome, miracles, my pastors, born again, "Man where is thy wisdom?" ignorance of who you are and what you want in life leads to such heart renc...hing stories. Did she ever questions her pastors motives and reasons? where her pastors married or did they ever consult with her before they got married? Faith in man will always lead to pain. It's never too late. Maybe not marraige anymore, but she could go adopt a child. There are so many orphans looking for where to call home and one to call mum. If she insists she must have her own true blood, pay a man to get her pregnant! From medical point of view, I have seen people get pregnant at 54.........So nothing is impossible with science and technology.........You dont have to be married to be happy and raise kids! Many are married today and are living in hell. Most will wish they were not. Pls handle well, whatever faith has delt you with. God bless and help her.

Anonymous said...

unfortunately this happens more than we know. God is not man and man is not God. However one can't blame her. Afterall sebi its bcos she, she is not married. What about people who listened to pastors and ended up marrying idi amin or mike tyson or mammy water. What is the difference? society!!! they are both in fire but the one married to idi amin at least has children so she is better off. And apart from society, elements here and there bring us happiness. With no husband, at least one can have a child's joy.
Well my advice to her as a fellow christian is that she seek the face of God ... she can still get someone to marry - a divorced man or a widower maybe. She needs to realize that God is a God of love - regardless of what her pastors might have told her, sometimes we may not do the ideal but it doesnt cost us our salvation. That she marries a divorcee is not wrong - there was esther for vashti. She needs to first and foremost free herself from the shackles of religion and understand God as he is - love.

Mena UkodoisReady said...

@ Homemade entertainment: But thats what she has been doing so far. What a scenario

@ Anonymous 12.19: agreed oh. Its time for her to set her personal priorities.

Mena UkodoisReady said...

@ Ibhade: Always Frank! Thanks dear. It is always confusing with religion in Nigeria. All the rules women should keep, dont fornicate, dont commit adultery, dont be unequally yoked, be submissive even to a tyrant as a husband, dont divorce, if hubby dies, dont remarry or wait at least xxxyears before remarrying and at the end of it all, reality often rears its ugly face.

Can people have natural children at 49 though?

anonymous 05.06: Hmm, this is a depressed woman, no need to make her feel worse :)

Mena UkodoisReady said...

@ Anonymous 6. 04: You are correct, people have left Faith in God and placed it on men of God. The amount of power they have over their memebers is mindboggling. I just hope a time will come when people actually understand what Christianity is all about.

As for your solutions, agreed 100%

@Anonymous 14.12: Exactly! The grass always greener on the other end. That said, I dont think any lady wants to remain both single and childless. Maybe some have the calling but no one I know has it.
Yes she can still get someone to marry and have children with (IJN), nothing is impossible for God to do. Thanks :)

UrbanHaute said...


What a wonderful Idea, it would be interesting to see all the posts and what will be accomplished by the end of 2011... Bless you.

Honestly after reading this I felt this could NOT be true because I immediately refused to realize that there are people out there that feel completely powerless. THEN a few people came to mind who I know personally are like this. This is a representation of what their inner feelings are like and what they are going through. It seems all the people I know who put their pastors opinions and perception on life before their own always are preaching that they may be suffering here but god has a spot for them in the afterlife. WOW... some DO get tired of suffering!!

Lets all PRAY for her in hopes that she finds that she is and will always be illuminated from within. To seek validation from the outside is to destroy oneself slowly and painfully. She may realize that she is not meant for marriage or destined to procreate and find solace in finding a partner.... adopting..... pets.... helping other family members raise their young--it is a recession. She she spend this time to get to know herself.

-Paramhansa Yogananda

LucidLilith said...

As for finding a man, she needs to just relax about that because finding a man is not like studying for a degree. If it happens it happens. At her age, she is more likely to find divorced men or widowed men. Maybe those are the social groups she should seek out.

Also, as for children - at this stage, adoption is the way to go.

Mena UkodoisReady said...

@ Urban Haute: you have said it all, lets pray for her and let her find peace in herself.

@ Lucid: I dont know why adoption is frowned upon by most Nigerians?

Mwajim Al said...

I sincerely believe in the sovereignty of God, even when we are faithless or faithful to Him as my sister here has been, He still has a mapped out path for us, a plan and purpose for each stage of our lives. I would encourage her to take her issues to God, i know she has listened to her Pastors for the most part of her life, how about what God said to you? There is more to life than can meet the eye, right from her mother's womb, God has already ordained her and carved her out for His purpose... so keep living in a way that pleases Him. Yes, I can imagine it can be frustrating and upsetting and you can feel disappointed you know, but since this is the current gift God has placed in your lap, still praised Him and live out your life trusting that where you are is where He wants you to be. I'm not saying it is going to be easy. I'm not saying there will be days where you won't question or feel pain, but you have to defy the odds and remind yourself that God's hand is directing and moving your life to His will - even when it doesn't make sense.
Read Elisabeth Elliot's 'Let me be a woman' and the 'The Path to loneliness' p.s. this is a woman who was married twice and both times her husband died and she was a missionary her whole life!
I believe her life can offer you encouragement. Also, read the book of Ruth... she lost everything and still chose to follow a God that wasn't her native god, and although it didn't make sense, generations later we find that her simple act of faith made her an ancestor of Christ. So i would say hand in there, keep your eyes on God and look outside of yourself.

Mwajim Al said...

link of a person's personal opinion on one of the book's i suggested: